Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Resolved

I never make "New Years Resolutions." I don't really understand why people feel that January 1st, "the start of a new year," needs to be their excuse to make positive changes in their lives and set new goals. Why not do it NOW!? Throughout the year I am constantly challenging myself with new goals and when I feel my lifestyle is becoming "unhealthy" I act on it in the moment and make the necessary changes. The whole idea of a new year does put you in the spirit to make these changes, so I do encourage everyone to take the opportunity to think about what they need to do for themselves to live a healthier and happier life... emotionally and physically.

Starting 2 weeks ago I started making some transitions in my life, because I didn't see the point in waiting for January 1st.

1. Before I left for Detroit, I started running again. I'm committing myself to at least 2 days of running 30+ minutes with light lifting and 2 days of lifting for 40+ min, and 1 day of yoga. I have no excuse to not go to the gym since there's one in my basement, and it makes me feel physically healthy and it does wonders for my anxiety.

2. I am also giving up using/purchasing plastic water bottles, because they are consuming mass amounts of our oil reserves to produce and contributing to the ridiculous amount of waste our country produces. I got a Kor One water bottle for Xmas and I've been keeping it filled and in my bag, which has resulted in my drinking much more water! Check out their website korwater.com, and if you are concerned about tap water - you should really research how "clean" that bottled water is you're drinking... personally I am going to stick to the tap. :]


3. I have also slowly been making a transition from a vegetarian diet to a vegan. I've been vegetarian for 5 years now and strongly believe in the health benefits of a diet free of animal products. I've been reading a lot about alternatives for vegans to fulfill all their nutritional needs and I feel it is something I can easily transition to, and in the process better myself and my environment. I'm not doing this as means of loosing weight, but I strongly believe in a "greener" lifestyle and believe this is something I can easily do to be a more conscious global community member.

2009 is going to be a good year, I've decided.

10 of my favorite CD's from 2008

10. Lydia - "Illuminate"
9. Brett Dennen - "Hope for the Hopeless"
8. Coldplay - "Viva la Vida"
7. Manchester Orchestra - "Let My Pride Be What's Left Behind" EP
6. Cut/Copy - "In Ghost Colours"
5. John Mayer - "Continuum"
4. Cold War Kids - "Robbers and Cowards"
3. City and Colour - "Bring Me Your Love"
2. Ryan Adams & the Cardinals - "Cardinology"
1. Kings of Leon - "Only By the Night"

Saturday, December 27, 2008

You will always be the same

You need to get out on your own,
so you can grow up!
She is holding you back,
but most importantly
she is stripping you of the joy
of saying "I did it myself!"



Enabler
en·abler
Pronunciation:
\i-ˈnā-blər, -bəl-ər\
Function: noun
Date: 1615
: one that enables another to achieve an end ; especially : one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

It's a Friday night affair


Foot taps
To the beat
Of anxious heart strings

Departing
Le maison
I have currated
For myself

Tap
Tap
Tap
Tappitytaptap

Arriving
In rooms
Holdings photos
I was too sentimental
To destroy

Your scent
Lingering
In the floor boards
Lingering
In my bed sheets

Mine.

Never have I ever
Never have I ever
Never have I ever

Never will I ever
Hold a soul
Like yours


Thursday, December 18, 2008

With sprinkles on top


Three passions have governed my life

"If one is estranged from oneself, then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others."
-ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Your sex is on fire

To this day, the best thing I've ever heard...
"I want to hug your face with my eyes."


:]

Friday, December 12, 2008

Afraid, not scared

It's sick, it's selfish, it's pathetic & it makes no sense... but, I miss my old body more than anything.
No matter how healthy I get & how normal I get I can't get IT out of my head.
I don't act on the urges any more, which I'm proud of, but I'm never happy - and I'm rather miserable
I hate this body I'm in right now.
This isn't me & I don't even know how to deal with myself.
I'm going to the gym right now, and it's 2am because if I don't I'm just going to lay awake looking at old pictures being depressed and I'd rather be productive.
I'm pathetic.
Dear God, please give me the strength.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I can't take my mind off of you

I watched Closer the other night at a friend's apartment & it made me totally fall in love with the movie again & with Damien Rice.

Love is Madness

I found some pictures from a particular weekend,
a long time ago.
They make me smile. :]
These are some good people.



































Monday, December 8, 2008

I still hold your hand in mine, when I am asleep

James Blunt "Goodbye My Lover" came on my iTunes while on random play just now....

I remember laying in bed next to him on our last night together. The music was playing softly as we tried to fall asleep, but neither of us wanted to close our eyes and give up on the last few moments of being together. This song came on, and he sang it to me. In his perfect English accent that always made me weak at the knees. He sang it so beautifully, I didn't even expect it. I miss his arms and the way that I just seemed to fit so perfectly. It felt okay to let him hold me, I wanted him to hold me - I couldn't get close enough to him. Even though he was singing "Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend..." we both knew it wasn't going to be a "goodbye," but simply a "see you later." You can't give up on something that good.

I learned a lot that week with that beautiful foreign soul.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The freckles in your eyes

Laying in bed reading all day - felt this was worth sharing....

Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form. In the stillness of your presence, you can feel your own formless and timeless reality as the unmanifested life that animates your physical form. You can then feel the same life deep within every other human and every other creature. You look beyond the veil of form and separation. This is the realization of oneness. This is love. What is God? The eternal One Life underneath all the forms of life. What is love? To feel the presence of that One Life deep within yourself and within all creatures. To be it.

Therefore, all love is the love of God.

Love is not selective, just as the light of the sun is not selective. It does not make one person special. It is not exclusive. Exclusivity is not the love of God but the "love" of ego. However, the intensity with which true love is felt can vary. There may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others, and if that person feels the same toward you, it can be said that you are in a love relationship with him or her. The bond that connects you with that person is the same bond that connects you with the person sitting next to you on a bus, or with a bird, a tree, a flower. Only the degree of intensity with which it is felt differs.




"You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter. "

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Like knives

Faces became the canvases for Maggie & my art projects tonight.
We procrastinated our homework because Hillary came home with a bag of makeup from the beauty closet at Teen Vogue and we got a little excited.
Maggie did my face & I did Hillary's.
Things got a little crazy!


My handy work!






I threw on a life preserver, but preservation is only temporary



I haven't seen any live music (bands, musicians, ect.) since I moved here to the city. If you know me you will understand that LIVE music is a necessity in my life/weekly routine. I've probably averaged a show or concert at least once a week since I was in 6th grade. Since my first local hall show, to my first experience at St. Andrews in Detroit, I have been addicted to the intensity and freedom of standing in a crowd at a concert. I love music because of how it makes me feel inside, like I am the only person in the room and the floor is MY dance floor. I love feeling the bass and pumping percussion move me to dance like no one is watching. I love being apart of a crowd, gathered like a small community all there united with a common interest and love for that band at the front of the room. I love the friends I have met through years of being apart of these small communities and the memories I have made.

It's been about 4 months now and I am going a little CRAZY!
I don't care if it's even a musician with an acoustic guitar at a coffee shop or you sitting on my bedroom floor playing me my old favorite 80's & 90's classics. At this point - I need to hear something loud and passionate - SOON! Come find me.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

A dull ache & a slow bleed

"It's the lies that we tell ourselves to make it feel alright
But who's gonna get your back when you're always turning around"

Monday, December 1, 2008

Teaching you how to swim

"Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction does that. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever. This is one reason why most people are always trying to escape from the present moment and are seeking some kind of salvation in the future. The first thing that they might encounter if they focused their attention on the NOWWW is their own pain, and this is what they fear. If they only knew how easy it is to access in the Now the power of presence that dissolves the past and its pain, the reality that dissolves the illusion. If they only knew how close they are to their own reality, how close to God. Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. The pain is there anyway. Three failed relationships in as many years are more likely to force you into awakening than three years on a desert island or shut away in your room. But if you could bring intense presence into your aloneness, that would work for you too. "

From The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle
I'm re-reading this book. I read it back when I was in treatment my first time [4 + years ago] & feel like I need a little refreshment right now. I highly recommend it.

Desperate desires

In order to win, you have to want it more.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

If you let me have my way, I swear I'll tear you apart


I hate that sometimes I do things in spite of people. It never feels good at the end of the day. I wish I could explain myself, but I can't. Merde! I think I just let this loneliness get the best of me. I found a ticket stub the other day. It is from the day my status changed from "In a Relationship" for 2 years, to "Single." It's been a year and a month or so now that I've been a single lady. So much has changed. I am so proud of who I've become. Stronger, more confident, healthy, smarter, less self loathing and more self loving, more spiritual, but still Miss Lonely - still searching for someone to fill that void, but in all the wrong places. I can give everyone else the best advice and tell them to learn to stand on their own two feet and fill that void with self love, but really - it sucks. No one liiiiikes to be alone. It's always nice to have someone to share your happiness with. I do believe being single makes you a stronger person, but there comes a point where enough is enough. I just miss having that best friend who without a doubt is there for me. I don't miss him. I don't miss that relationship. I've grown up and could never go back to that. I just miss that comfortable feeling you have with that special someone. I miss getting to lay in bed with someone and making each other laugh over stupid inside jokes. I miss having a hand to hold and body to run up behind and wrap my arms around. I miss having someone to finish my sentences and someone who knows how I like my coffee in the morning. Someone who knows exactly how I like my arms "tickled" and kisses on my forehead. Someone who knows when I say I don't want to be touched I probably really just need to be held. Someone who pushes back when I push their buttons. Someone who will have my favorite drink waiting in the cup holder when I get in the car and knows all the right songs to play to make me smile. Someone who loves Ryan Adams as much as I do but knows that Weezy has the other half of my heart. Someone I can text cute messages to during the day and someone to monopolize my thoughts. Someone who thinks I'm cute on my bad hair and sweat pant days. Someone who's not afraid to dance like an idiot with me and will put up with me talking too much when I get nervous. I miss someone who truly appreciates me and my totally weird sense of humor and hyper personality. Someone to challenge me and something to work for. I miss having someone else to think about other than myself. I miss having someone to yell at me when I get a little too crazy on a Friday night, someone to keep me in line. I miss having someone to make dinner for and to cuddle with and watch movies. I need to find someone worth my time, everyone has just been so disappointing lately. "I've got a really big heart, I just can't catch a break" I want to make someone happy again. That's what I miss most. I'm so in love with life right now I just want to share it with someone.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Smart casual in the Palm Court

All of my roommates are officially gone. I'm sitting here in the middle of our floor wishing I was wrapped in my favorite blanket sitting in my favorite chair at my Mom's house watching movies with my best friend and ma mere - like we always did on those lazy days. You shouldn't have to be alone on the holidays, but I guess it will make me appreciate those "annoying" family gatherings more. I know I joked about it - but I think tomorrow morning I might go sit myself in my fur coat and big Ferragamo sunglasses in a cozy chair at the Plaza and drink tea and read a book. Happy Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Pull me down hard & drown me in love

Sometimes our advice to others is what we need to remind ourselves of:

Self: "everyone deserves happiness, and he probably isn't even really happy. you don't need someone to be happy, and if you think you do then you've got it all wrong. he's just filling some void within himself with something false to make himself think he's happy and numb his pain and insecurities. you need to be happy being all alone and hold yourself up before you can give that love to anyone else, and i think we both know he can't do that. he's always running from one idiot girl to another. the girls he's with don't even know him. just rise above it all. love yourself. learn who you are. learn what it's like to be completely alone but completely in love with every aspect of who you are and the life you are creating. be able to make yourself laugh when you're sitting all alone. then one day you can know that it's time to be in a relationship because you don't NEED to be in one, but because you WANT to. you're so fulfilled as a person that you want to share your laughter with someone else. being in a relationship isn't about relying on someone else to make you happy it's about sharing your own personal happiness with the other person. it's about making them feel good about who they are because YOU feel good about who you are as a person and that energy radiates to them. you're light, you're love."

Friend: "i'm nothing"

S: "you're everything. remember that"

F: "i'll try."

S: "i'll remind you."

Ever drunk Baileys from a shoe?

So the Indian girls I live with are all sitting in our kitchen drinking Bailey's & eating indian food right now. I find this very amusing because none of them ever drink.


I'm waking up at 6am and going with Maggie to some Elementary school in Washington Heights to paint tiles for a mural with little kids. I love little kids. Not many things can voluntarily get me out of bed that early on a day I could be sleeping in, but I miss my little brother and it will be cool to get to hang with little kids and make them laugh all morning.


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Cosmopolitan Greetings

Stand up against governments, against God.
Stay irresponsible.
Say only what we know & imagine.
Absolutes are Coercion.
Change is absolute.
Ordinary mind includes eternal perceptions.
Observe what’s vivid.
Notice what you notice.
Catch yourself thinking.
Vividness is self-selecting.
If we don’t show anyone, we’re free to write anything.
Remember the future.
Freedom costs little in the U.S.
Asvise only myself.
Don’t drink yourself to death.
Two molecules clanking us against each other require an observer to become
scientific data.
The measuring instrument determines the appearance of the phenomenal
world (after Einstein).
The universe is subjective..
Walt Whitman celebrated Person.
We are observer, measuring instrument, eye, subject, Person.
Universe is Person.
Inside skull is vast as outside skull.
What’s in between thoughts?
Mind is outer space.
What do we say to ourselves in bed at night, making no sound?
“First thought, best thought.”
Mind is shapely, Art is shapely.
Maximum information, minimum number of syllables.
Syntax condensed, sound is solid.
Intense fragments of spoken idiom, best.
Move with rhythm, roll with vowels.
Consonants around vowels make sense.
Savour vowels, appreciate consonants.
Subject is known by what she sees.
Others can measure their vision by what we see.
Candour ends paranoia.

-Allen Ginsberg

Aviation

I found a fortune from a fortune cookie on the ground today.
It said, "Flying is simple. Not hitting the ground is hard."

Do you remember that you told me darling, that I was so real?

If I could only have a taste
Wrap my lips around your flavor
Just because you are you
Just because you are, so beautiful

And I've been waiting all this life
In the company of one
And I know I am young
But I don't want to be alone
If you could only just
Consider the two of us
And i know darling
I could be so good to you

Brett Dennen - "Desert Sunrise"

Monday, November 17, 2008

Weekly Top 10

10. My new long "fur" vest from LF
9. Christopher Guiterrez [http://www.myspace.com/thedeadxstoppublishingcompany]
8. $5.50 Marlboro Menthols
7. Dancing at the MOMA
6. Seeing Steve Aoki DJ
5. Sangria & dinner @ Room Service catching up with Spencer
4. Jillian waking up
3. Otown sing along with Maggie
2. Talking to my best friend on the phone for the first time in MONTHS
1. "Cats" - Cookies for People


True love and the damage done

AMEN TO THIS:

immaturity is the act of compromising yourself in an unhealthy relationship. this isn't rocket science and for damn sure isn't a new revelation. such a simple concept, yet how many people do we know that constantly repeat the cycle of "man, why do my friends only go for crazy motherfucking girls?"

this leads to a few conclusions. either:

a) our friends are not as intelligent as we would like to think they are.

or

b) our friends are just as emotionally fucked as the people they are dating.

because who you date is a direct reflection of who you are, what you find attractive, what you find acceptable, what you're willing to put up with, and what you are willing to be subjected to. maybe its you that I'm talking about. maybe you are the moron who continually makes excuses for your boyfriend or your girlfriend. maybe it's you that perpetuates the cycle and continues to let shitheads go unchallenged. maybe it's you that secretly knows that this person isn't worth your love.

you continually chase after that one night that he kissed you goodnight under the streetlights so hard it made you float back into your room to write a journal post about how amazing and perfect he was. but he'll never kiss you like that again. and despite all attempts of reliving that night, he will perpetually disappoint. because that night, despite all good judgment, you idealized. you see these people as the end all, be all, of love.

we are simply smelly and flawed boys and girls. we refuse to see our faults and our flaws when most of us are smart enough to know that no one comes wrapped in a little yellow bow, and that none of us shit strawberry ice cream. so why do we continually fall for the same shitty boy and shitty girl? well, that butterfly feeling in your stomach is your worst enemy. that is the feeling that love makes when it is storming the castle wall of common sense. that's what it feels like when someones smile has gotten the best of you and conned you into thinking that he or she is everything that you have ever wanted. and that's where we go wrong. because that's when we believe that someone can complete us. true love is when we complete ourselves. anything less is giving in, trading down, and selling out.

true love is when we are mature enough to say no, no thank you, to someone who - despite how they glow under the moonlight - forgets to call the next day. to say no fuck you, to the little cute rebel boy who continues to string you along and break your heart. true love is knowing who not only genuinely deserves but is willing and excited to treat our love in the manner in which it deserves. true love is not giving time to shitty boys and shitty girls because we know we are better than that. true love is knowing the difference between someone completing us, and someone complimenting us. true love is someone who will not eclipse our glow, only enhance it.

I like this city now, cause you're in it

"There are so many beautiful women out there in the city, but sometimes you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh." - Mr. Big


Sunday, November 16, 2008

The best I'll ever be?

I miss you. I miss being overwhelmed by you. I need rescue, I think I'm fading away. I keep thinking that you'll wake me up with a whisper in my ear. I keep hoping that you'll sneak in my room. So I wait and I wait, and I run old scenes through my tired head of the days we laid by the school and said forever. Was that the best I'll ever be? I miss you. I miss talking all night long with you, and I need this to find a way to your home. My love can you hear me? Have I been hoping loud enough, wishing hard enough? Can you see me when I'm asleep all alone?

-Sister Hazel

Saturday, November 15, 2008

The moon is the only light we'll see

After walking through a rainstorm & being annoyed with the fact that I was completely soaked and waiting for the A-train in a humid subway station, I heard from down the platform the familiar chords to one of my all time favorite songs. I followed the music until a bohemian looking older man playing acoustic guitar and the harmonica came into view. He was playing "Stand By Me." It brought me back to the time in East Lansing with Ally, Ryan and Pat and the sing along in my jeep with all the windows down and Ally's feet on the dash as we drove back to Stef's house to partake in a night of underwear only dance parties to Cut/Copy on repeat. The summer air smelled as bittersweet as the lyrics we were singing along to. My lungs were filled with hope. Hope for friendships that would be able to withstand the distance I was planning on moving to pursue my dreams. All I really need in life are a few good people to stand by me and I think I'd be content. At a time where I feel I am standing alone, it felt good to hear that song again. It once again filled my heart with hope.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Franz Kafka

Sometimes others can say it for you.


"He who seeks does not find, but he who does not seek will be found."

"I have the true feeling of myself only when I am unbearably unhappy."

"My "fear" is my substance, and probably the best part of me."

"One advantage in keeping a diary is that you become aware with reassuring clarity of the changes which you constantly suffer."

"Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable."

Oh Jose!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Running in circles



"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

"Half-five"

My roommate Maggie just came home & stormed in the door, "YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING REALLY FUCKING JEWISH? So I'm up in Washington Heights today getting some Kosher pizza with my Lab group, because everyone up there is basically Jewish because there's some Jewish law school, and I pay for my pizza and the little old Jewish man behind the counter goes to give me back my change and goes "half-five." I didn't think anything of it and shoved the change in my wallet. I didn't realize until I pulled it out of my wallet to pay for some cigarettes on my way home that he really gave me HALF of a five dollar bill."

Monday, November 10, 2008

When it rains on this side of town it touches everything

Letter to a friend

I didn't expect to find out YOU were in a coma this morning. Not the girl that has so much to live for. You're too young. Too beautiful. There are too many people who love you. It blows my mind how in a matter of seconds lives can change. Maybe you just needed a break from the hectic life you lead. I hope that's all it is, you just needed a little break. You're the strongest woman I know. You're the smartest person I know! I can't wait for you to wake up so I can laugh with you again & have someone to have nympho-convos with again & someone who understands my sense of humor when it comes to bad YouTube videos [ex. OLD GREG!] & help me with my awfullll francais & make our plans to take over NYC. Kieran needs you & I know you love him so much, I know you won't leave him. Wake up, we're all waiting, we'll be here - take your time. How ever long it takes, just get a little better every day, that's all you need to do. "You're beautiful, you're light, you're love." My thoughts and prayers are all for you.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

We have the time to realize that we were wrong

I talked to one of the people who knows me best tonight, for the first time in about a year, we talked civilly. At a point in my life where I am feeling rather apathetic about most everything he reminded me of truly passionate woman I am. Even though we haven't been a part of each other's lives, he still knows me better than most anyone and he's right, I am passionate about every little thing I do. I read books most people wouldn't consider picking up because I love to learn. I believe that there are songs out there that can change your life. I am a dancer, and not just because I've taken dance classes my entire life, but because it aches in my bones every second of the day - and every second I'm not dancing it's what I want to be doing. I dance through life in every aspect of my being. I believe that I can make a difference in our World, no matter how insignificant anyone else might consider me to be, I know my voice can be heard in a crowd. I paint, draw, and create because I want to, not because I HAVE to. My goals and ambitions are the most important thing to me, and I won't let anything get in the way of me achieving them because hard work does pay off. I won't be distracted by negative people or allow anyone to tell me I don't deserve anything but the best out of life, because I know what I want and what I need.

Thank you for the reality check tonight.
You know who you are.

Heritage

Hillary, Maggie & I [THE roomies] go out on our roof to have a nightly cigarette-as usual-and engage in our USUAL commentary on the colors of the lights on Empire State building... and tonight they're Red, White & Green. Maggie asks, "So what - is Obama Italian or something?" Hillary and I laugh for about 5 minutes and then Maggie responds, "Well he's not full black, rightttt?"

I thought I had it all, but I gave it away

Everything is temporary.
Everything is temporary.
Everything is temporary.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Soup spoon

Watched an old sunday service that was online from Renaissance Unity while laying in bed this morning.
It felt good to meditate & start my day out the RIGHT way.
I've sort of lost that piece of myself since I moved here & I'm trying to find it again.
I need to find something consistent, and I'm not talking about a consistent place to party every Friday night.
I need something real, something I can love about myself again & I'm finding it :]

"If you can't find someone to walk with you, then walk alone for that period in time. It's loving what is. It's being realistic. It's about loving people exactly where they are and letting them be where they are and then when you're guided to say something and do something it'll have some meaning. Then you won't waste your energy in a whole bunch of "hoo-haa"-what'ever, because you think that somebody else is suppose to understand you." - Greg Barette

Friday, November 7, 2008

Fat kids love cake, and Wii bowling

"The Wii is like going to Burger King & trying to get a healthier meal... it's still fast food & the Wii is stilllll a video game! Go out and throw a damn ball around kids!" - Canadian Evan on the obesity of America

I want to feel everything when everything feels wrong with me

“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.” - Marianne Williamson


I grew up going to Church of Today with my Dad, listening to Marianne speak on Sundays. We weren't the most consistent "church" goers, but we went when we could & it always felt good being apart of the experience there. It wasn't like the Catholic church I went to until I was about 9. It was so welcoming, everyone was friendly, it was a relaxed atmosphere, you could even wear your jeans there and it was a place that everyone wanted to be. I looked forward to going on Sundays, sitting in a huge room packed with people who were so full of love, and ready to receive love... and the choir was BOMB [steven tyler even came & sang with them before!] , and everyone danced - you couldn't help but get out of your seat, they rocked the house! I never realized how lucky I was to be receiving spiritual guidance from such an influential woman, but I now realize that so many of the principles I base my relationships and spiritual journey on are things I learned back when I sat beside my Dad when it was a struggle to understand such "difficult" concepts, but really - they're concepts that are so basic and it's our own "fears & prejudices" that screw things up along the way. There's so much love I struggle to give and receive - simply out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of my own insecurities. But if it is our purpose to spread love on our journey, then why allow fear to defeat me? I know I need to be a better daughter, sister, family member, friend... and I really need to start being better to myself. If I start loving myself more, I know it will become more natural to just spread the love along the way.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Crawl Space

I have some talented friends :]
This is raddddddd.



imemine-media.com

Like a prostitute you pay to walk away

I'm such a mess.
I either talk too much to hide my social anxiety,
or I hold back from saying the things I probably should say.

I need a best friend these days, just someone to help keep me grounded.
I need someone who will talk with me about my goals & genuinely care where I'm heading in life.
Someone to lay in bed and watch my favorite old movies with.
Someone who doesn't mind being lame and staying in on the weekends & going to bed early or staying up late talking about our past - not because we feel the need to relive it, but because we want to share the stories that make us smile from the inside out.
I need something positive, and I just can't seem to find it.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The wait is over, the winter's here, we all need to find someone to keep us warm

Dinner table conversation:
Hillary: "I feel like if McCain wins the New School is going to have a day of silence"
Alyssa: "No, I just think everyone will go out drinking... well regardless everyone's just going to go out drinking. Everyone will go out drinking to celebrate Obama, and if McCain wins everyone is going to NEED to go out drinking."

Monday, November 3, 2008

Vote Democracy



The Empire State building is coordinating for tomorrow.
Red, White & Blue, yo!
Happy voting!
Regardless of the results, I am looking forward to change.

Sneakerhead vs. Rifiki's

Evan on Halloween
Best costume ever.
He makes custom kicks & decided to just fabricate a giant shoe.
Talent, yo!


Sunday, November 2, 2008

Daddy's got a new .45

I just had the craziest flashback.
I'm listening to Sublime & "Santeria" came on & this is the exact moment it brought me back to...

Driving on New Years 2007 [?] from Danny K's to Aaron Cummings to make it there for the crazy countdown with our party people. If you live in the CTP, or even the surrounding area - you know that Mr. Cummings knows how to throw a party!
Alex was driving the wonderful silver grandpa 4 door Taurus.
Sam was in the back.
I was in the passanger seat - being a control freak with the music & of course put on this song.
We were all bundled up, blasting the heat because Michigan winters SUCK.
I was wearing my pink peacoat & I think Sam decided to not bring a coat and was wearing Alex's.
Unbeknown to Sam or Alex & I am hug fan of Sublime and in my inebreated state start going to town singing every word to this song leaving them laughing and dumb found that I know the song so well.

I miss Sam.
I even Miss Alex.
That was a wonderful New Years.



Story of our relationship.


Story of our friendship... the Scenekick always comes 1st!


Story of my life.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

I'm dancing in the room as if I were in the woods with you

I've come to realize that I can't just give up on something that is a passion of mine. I've spent the majority of my life [83.3%] dancing. It's apart of me & I can't continue to ignore this innate desire inside of me. I met someone who dances for a living last night & they made me re-realize my dreams. I can't give up on them - not for anybody. They're dreams of mine and they are a realty. When you're as passionate about something as I am about dancing, you will be successful. I didn't spend 5 hours nearly everyday after school at the dance studio during high school instead of hanging out with my friends at football games, school dances, and parties. I had to be dedicated and committed to being apart of a bigger team and stay focused on my goal. I sacrificed a lot to dance, but for me they weren't "sacrifices" because I was loving what I was doing. The entire time I was struggling through my eating disorder one of my major motivating forces to get better and actually stay healthy for once was so I would be allowed to dance again, and be a strong dancer. To be honest, it was the biggest motivating force. No one realizes that, but when you're passionate about something and it's taken away from you - you will find the motivation to do what it takes to get it back. I had to make choices and I chose my love for dance over my love for my perfect body. I'd rather be a strong and passionate dancer than a stick skinny, weak, and sick one.

Well the moral of this story is. If you have a passion, embrace it. Don't let it get away from you, and if it does - get your ass out there and work to get it back.

I have some hard work to do. I mean some hard - hard training to get back in shape, but I really want to spread my love and passion the best way I know how, and that's by dancing again. I need to do this for myself. Just love me and let me go.


THIS is how it feels.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

We will be running

This dance gives me the chills & makes me cry every damn time!
If you know anyone who has fought breast cancer, I think you will understand.



I miss my dance studio so much - keep spreading your light & love girls, you're all so beautiful. I hope you realize the power of what you do. Stay healthy & take care of your bodies, you need to be healthy to be a strong dancer. It can all be taken away from you so quickly. Trust me.

I can't resist the day

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Canadian transform into Bacon - GO!

"I love restaurant-bars with neon lights.... but I never know if I should eat or dance" - Evan on our walk home from the Met

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Starting my Christmas list early...

THINGS I NEED:
Someone to laugh with me
Someone to slow dance with me
A new good book to read
A big bathtub to relax in & read that new good book in
Someone who will play with my hair when my heads in their lap
To loose 10 lbs.
Get my hair cut & colored
Someone to play Skipbo with me
Someone who will do the grueling NYC apartment hunting with me & let me put my hands in their pockets when they get cold
To get my shoulder piece started
A room all to myself, and to have my "best bed in the world" moved up from Michigan
Someone who will stay home on a Friday night & play old video games with me.... & not let me win
Someone to make me love cuddling again.



I think that's all for now,
I'm a simple girl?

What's your Dad like?

Monday, October 27, 2008

You choose your friends, they're not like your family

"I was thinking how proud I was that I haven't drank all week - then I realized it was only Monday!" - my roommate Maggie.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Tomorrow is the perfect day

My talent is erasing people, but I can't get you off my mind.

You shouldn't let someone else get your kicks for you

Someone told me they wanted to "be like me" today.
That thought is terrrrrifying and almost insulting, not flattering like many would assume it to be.

Our society is so fogged with improving ourselves to mimic false idols.
We should be all striving to be better versions of ourselves - not attempting to fit someone else's mold.
"Being like someone" is an impossible goal that will only leave someone feeling more self loathing because of their obvious inability to "be" like anyone.... but themselves!
I just wish some people could learn to love themselves enough to know it's okay to be whomever the crazy individual they are.
You can't teach people these lessons either, they have to learn them for themselves and develop love for themselves in their own time - and I hattte that! I wish I could just make everyone see how uniquely beautiful they are.
Granted... I have my self loathing days [sometimes weeks/months] BUT I've learned to value more important things about myself than my looks & I've learned that I can only be as brilliant & beautiful as I allow myself.

As Marianne Williamson says, "Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? "

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Saturday, October 18, 2008

FIESTA

My roommate and I decided we'd make some tacos for dinner. Maggie was having a hard time holding her taco and adding all the "fixings" at the same time. In her frustration she says, "We really need to invent those taco plates.... or what about taco feeders?" I reply, "Or we can just hire a Mexican to feed us our tacos."


While enjoying our tacos I bring up the fact that Maggie's ex is Mexican. I ask, "Is Eric's family REALLY Mexican?" She laughs and says, "His Dad is. If you Google "Mexican" a picture of him comes up."

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Birthday Fever

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PARTY WITH ME!
ha ha ha
Sorry I killed you Danny :X








Monday, October 13, 2008

While you were sleeping, I figured out everything

I tell everyone I haaaaate to cuddle,
but the secret is: I miss being held.
I'm just scared of being seen as "needy."

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Experiment

What if...
I drop out of school & join a commune out in the middle of no where?

It frequently crosses my mind.
frequently!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Value

I am more confused now than ever.
Supposedly I'm "living my dream"
but it doesn't feel like anything.


I can't help but give into my loneliness
Everything I thought I knew feels so distant
Everything new feels so permanent


I need a place to call my own
even just a hand to hold.
I just want to be held...
apathetic arms and all.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Belief

I'm not sure who the author of this is, but I swear I could have written this.



I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care back.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do
but to the best you can do.

I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important.
It's what they do about it.

I've learned that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that you can keep going
long after you think you can't.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing
and have the best time.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. |
It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to
can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again.
Families aren't biological.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight,
I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.

I've learned that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual
ahead of their actions.

I've learned that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children,
they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.
I've learned that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.

I've learned that no matter how many friends you have,
if you are their pillar you will feel lonely and lost
at the times you need them most.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.

I've learned that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.

I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that although the word "love" can have many different meaning,
it loses value when overly used.

I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line |
between being nice and not hurting people's feelings
and standing up for what you believe.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Luke warm

My best friend is leaving to go back to Detroit tomorrow.
I've already cried.

Back to being Miss Lonely.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I promise myself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness & prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of other as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the great achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.
To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.



- Christian D. Larson's "Optimist's Creed"

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I saw

And it's amazing
With the look in your eyes
Like you could save me
But you won't even try
And then you tell me again
How everything will be alright

And if I told you
That I'm sorry
Would you tell me that you were wrong
Or would you hold me down forever
If I came to you for answers

[Matt Nathanson - "I saw"]

New York I love you, but you're bringing me down

God is teaching me a mean lesson.
"You can't always get what you want."


But what happened to the Law of Attraction???
I can make it happen - I can, I can, I can!

Potential

I love you Dave Melillo.

Wait for it
Wait for nights that compliment you
Ignore the girls that just resent you
It’s easier to pretend you don’t care at all
Now wait for it
Wait for boys that overwhelm you
And tell them that you’re not that type of girl
And you would rather sit and talk about your goals

You give me black lungs
And your blue eyes
And we'll trade them in for a new disguise
Give me your best bet
And your worst lie
And we'll fill them in with a straighter line
You could be everything I wanted
If you just gave up on holding back
'Cause I never lost so many words
From kissing just one girl
You’ve got potential

Wait for it
Wait for nights that decimate you
Wake up and then pray for saving
Hope has never seemed so far away from you
Now wait for it
Wait for years to pass you by
You’re looking back at all the times
You wish you hadn’t compromised at all

Well I tried to make you see
That you lost reality somewhere
I tried

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Hands on my mouth

It's been weeks, months, years now
but I still remember the scent your mouth left on my cheek

I worry about never finding a bed as comfortable
or a room that holds my secrets as well, as yours did

I'm okay with that.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Make Your Mark

Day Lilies, 08/07/2007
Dear Daewoo,
Why are your shoes so blue?
Like distasteful umbrellas in the standby cocktails.
Votre petite sips from petit straws,
mimicking honey birds suckling nectar from organic blossoms
Delivering painful tips to the tender for nursing your bliss.
Is it true that your shoes were once black?
But have faded in travel from bleaching rays?
I do say I would fancy a whispered story…or two.
My ears eager to hear of nights sipping chamomile
from foreign china, aloft the aging backs of Indian elephants
or of Princes rescuing Princesses from tigers' luring purrs.
I would fancy it, dear old Daewoo.
I told you so,
BLB 1544


Moonshine, 9/11/2008
Dear Daewoo,
I miss your faded blue shoes
sitting by my door at the end of the night
Spilling stories of your exotic travels to my poor excuse of a doormat
It's been three weeks since you've been gone
I miss your casual hand on my thigh
as we sat at the dive throwing whiskey down our dry throats
You pursued me on the walk home that dewy night
comme un lion chassant sa proie
I should've danced away, shoes in hand
but it's the dizzy way the light from wrought iron street lamps penetrated your opal eyes that kept me stumbling after you
Oh my Daewoo, my greatest earthly blessing
Follow the map back home
I told you so,
BLB 1544







You're an extraordinary sensory apparatus

We all have our own personal agendas motivating us to do something great. Everyone is looking for something that's going to inspire them, everyone wants to be inspired, and everyone wants to inspire something. The world is yours, do something extraordinary.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Nietzsche

"And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh."

Secrets