Your bed, is where I belong

I hope you still smell me on your sheets.

Does she fit so perfectly as I did, baby?

She's only temporary.

A YEAR FROM NOW

THIS SONG IS PERFECT FOR RIGHT NOW.
I CAN'T STOP CRYING, I'M SO PATHETIC !!!!



Complete and total adoration,
My gift to you, my heart was yours,
In ten weeks you shaped it,
In one night you murdered it.
Torn from my chest and laid at your feet,
That first step that you took was the worst.
Since then you've walked a thousand miles in solace and short remark,
And I still have these memories,
But will never see what we could have been.
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember, Cause that's all you can do.
We'll never make another memory,
We'll never make another memory.
I wish i would have died in your arms the last time we were together,
So I wouldn't have to wake without you today.
This time I thought things were real,
You said they were,
What happened?
You were a priority,
Was I an option?
I let you see a side of me that I don't share with anyone.
Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled.
Knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart,
I'm just sorry that it wasn't enough.
So, we'll go our own ways,
And hopefully you'll remember these things i've told you,
Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said is in sincerity.
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this,
But I guess i've learned from it.
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake,
I just wish the story didn't end this way,
Cause i'm still in love with the person who helped me write it.
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?

HEAVEN IS WHEN YOU FINALLY FEEL ALIVE

I have a "bad habit" of never deleting any of my Messages on MySpace, and I have 280 some pages dating back to about a year and a half ago. I started going back and reading a lot of the old ones and realized how much I miss how outgoing I was. I was so full of "life," and untouchable! I want to be untouchable again. I want the world to want to be my friend as much as I want to embrace it. I feel like there is so much give on my part lately and not much received in return. I'm not all about the "tit-for-tat" crap, but sometimes I like to be told, "You're cute," or flirted with. I also have lost the drive and concentration I use to have. I still want all those fabulous things out of life, but I get stuck in the mindset that "I don't deserve it." It's really remarkable how things can change so dramatically, and you never realize everything is changing because it's such a slow process. Then one day you look back on who you WERE and it's nothing like who you ARE. I'm not sure if I like who I am now... compared to who I was... I should be maturing into a more confident young women, but I feel I have regressed in so many ways. I feel almost too old, aged and looking at the world through a more tainted lens. I miss my freedom and eagerness to take on the world, I NEED to find this again. I say I need to get out of here, but I can't leave until I find what it was that made life so vibrant before. If you remember, clue me in. I'm on a mission babies! Support me & love me, or stay the hell out of my way - nothing is holding me back from getting what I want this time. All I want is "ME," once again.

You can't save her !!!!

You say I don't know who you are anymore
I'll let you pretend I have it all wrong
The truth is I know how this is going to end
I've had it planned out since the moment we first locked eyes across the noisy room
I took part of you with me,
and I'm not giving it back

Reflections

I found a picture
from two years ago
we're sitting on your front steps
after you took me to eat icecream
and I couldn't even finish a kiddie cone
You loved me then
what happened?
I have that hoodie you were wearing
I'm wearing it right now.
I wish I could still smell you on it,
but you've gone - and never looked back.

I look back

KATY PERRY SAID IT FOR ME

IF YOU WANNA RUN
JUST NAME YOUR PRICE
DON'T PLAY CHEAP
WITH YOUR HEART
DON'T MAKE A BET
IF YOU CAN'T WRITE THE CHECK
FOR ME
CAUSE I CAN BE BOUGHT
BUT YOU'LL PAY THE COST
IF YOU CAN AFFORD ME


IF YOU WANT ME I'M NOT A PEICE OF ASS
A ONE NIGHT STAND
A STORAGE SHED
I THINK YOU BETTER WALK BY TONIGHT
IF YOU WANT ME THEN STOP BEGGING
I DON'T PUT OUT FOR CHARITY
IF YOU WANT ME THERE'S NO DISCOUNT PRICE TONIGHT


I DON'T NEED YOUR $$ DOLLAR BILLS
I JUST WANT SOMETHING REAL.

What it's like to miss a friend

I've been playing your song on repeat
for the last two days
Laying in bed, beating myself up for you.
Come lay with me,
tickle my arms like you know I like.
I'm sorry -
My lips get ahead of me.

When it rains on this side of town, it touches everything

I could bitch & whine about all the bullshit that has been going wrong lately (cause it's been alot! ha ha) I could lay on the floor in a ball, cry & feel sorry for myself. I could throw a pitty party, cause we all know I love a party. I could beg for someone to come hold me and "make it all better" and fill that empty void & pretend they actually care about me for a second. BUT for once in my life I am the one who is holding myself together. I am PROUD of myself... there aren't too many times I have been able to say that. The world is falling apart around me, but it's not taking me down with it. I'm making myself happy and I know what I want - FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE!

I'm on the right path & nothing is stopping me.
This is my life and I am basking in its greatness.
It's all about the mindset folks.
Take care of yourself, find yourself, reinvent yourself, pleasure yourself, know what you want & do the damn thing!



BTW - I have the most amazing friends ever. I don't think life would be so damn good without them. Sam, Ally, Britt, Jaimie - thank you guys for always being there to lift my spirits!

He said he heard voices

I'm such a baby! lol
Crying over White Oleander.

I guess it's nice to be alone.
I'm stronger than I think.
This last month has certainly dished out it's fair share,
but I'm going to get through it.
With or without anyone.

I'm drawing a map of the country I will never revisit.
I know they will love me.
Beautiful.
Dangerous.
Proud.

I WANNA FEEL EVERYTHING, WHEN EVERYTHING FEELS WRONG WITH ME

I have never felt so incredibely overwhelmed and neck deep sinking in my emotions.
I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate on anything besides pointless tasks like filling out myspace surveys & google searching different random topics that drift in and out of my head. I distract myself with all these pointless tasks to avoid having to feel the aching rise and swell of jealousy, anger, hopelessness, anxiety, pain, guilt, anger, hurt, pain, painanxiousanxiousfuckthis!!!!!

I'm so sick of games.
I'm so sick of liars.
I'm so sick of guys thinking they can take me for granted.
I just want to be loved, respected, trusted, befriended.

I miss having that best friend to hold me everyday, that even though he was the one making me cry, he was the only one who could make everything in the world better.
I want to be okay having independence. I want to be able to stand on my own & know I can make it on my own, but I already see myself falling apart. I am so scared I'm going to let these emotions swallow me whole.

WISHFUL THINKING:
Hold my hand, tell me I'm beautiful (even though I'm not... in your eyes I will be), kiss me on the forehead, lay with me until I fall asleep, make me laugh when I've just had "the worst day ever," dance like no one is watching with me, let me play with your hair when your head is in my lap, let me drive us everywhere because I'm a "control freak" but pick out the songs you know I love on my iPod so we can sing along the whole way, believe in my dreams - more than I do, tuck me in before you go, text me throughout the day just to see how I am doing, tickle my arms in that nice relaxing way I like, give me kisses on the neck, play with my little brother like he was your own, and remember you're my best friend


NYC Sunday - Wednesday with my Brittany. :-)
I need it!

Frusteration

My shallow breathes take in
the scent left on my sheets

Crawl back into bed
I'll remind you where you belong

Schedualed outrage

Scream for the sinners
the saints have ran for hell's gates.
They've left me to crash
naked on the shore
gasping and swallowing
water into my lungs.
Breaking and beating
like the newborns,
alone and unsure.
I've cast my line towards the undertow
drawing me swiftly into the horizon
Seated at the right hand of the father
and forever rising in the east.

Stiff knees

My eyes locked with his as my thin shoulder hit broken pavement. Shattering my hopes of freedom into pieces. Even my delicate hands could not repair the sadness I coughed up. The devil raged in his dialated pupils. Summoning a punch stronger than his fist could've produced. Knuckle to my jaw. Forcing me into my place, once again.

August 19, 2007

I'm engaged to...

Zac Efron
Pleaseandthankyouverymuch
Yes, they're even talking about him on Jimmy Kimmel.

You know you're a Rockstar when...
a.) You do shots with an on duty cop @ a bar.

...I'm starting a list of "you know you're a Rockstar when's"
Stay tuned.

My baby Brittany is coming in from NY tomorrow night. This weekend is going to be out of control. It's the last "Horrahy!" before we go back to "l'ecole."

Cheers! Here's to late nights, best friends, "Incredible Hulks" boat rides, & hangovers!

Favourite

critique dans le matin

Here's some "old stuff" that I just wanted to get on here (moving it from an older blog to here.) It's from Spring 2007

B-Listed
Owners of dysfunctional handbags lay sprawled and ragged, dismissed by societal gatherings, in gutters. Looking like puddles of fine silk undergarments running through the already filthy streets. Their superiors walked by, click-clack-clickity-clackity of the women's fine leather pumps set a rhythmic tune for the scene. Blood-red cashmere stockings ran into the sewer grates, mocking their counterparts. The night was lit by cigarette lighters and manicured fingernails ashing their filtered Djarums into the sea of rejected beaded gowns. I wonder what it would feel like to be on the A-list?


Passion
Small things
Paler than your mother's hands

Rest heavy
On the pillow behind your ear

Whispering everything
All the nothings wanted to say

On mute
To be sweet and romantic

Like father's
Slowly thinning hair

Smaller things
Burn the brand on your ankle

Holding you
Up and out for years



Day Lilies
Dear Daewoo,
Why are your shoes so blue?
Like distasteful umbrellas in the standby cocktails.
Votre petite sips from petit straws,
mimicking honey birds suckling nectar from organic blossoms
Delivering painful tips to the tender for nursing your bliss.
Is it true that your shoes were once black?
But have faded in travel from bleaching rays?
I do say I would fancy a whispered story…or two.
My ears eager to hear of nights sipping chamomile
from foreign china, aloft the aging backs of Indian elephants
or of Princes rescuing Princesses from tigers' luring purrs.
I would fancy it, dear old Daewoo.
I told you so,
BLB 1544

Our lips never touch in my dreams

I have empty picture frames on my walls
waiting to be filled with memories from
the quiet times your eyes caught mine in a sideways stare
and made the corners of my pale lips crack into a smile.

I've been dancing on the tops of buildings

Thank You God, for today.
I don't think I say that enough.
I'm just thankful for the okay day that today was.
After Sun & Monday I am honestly so much more appreciative for every single waking, breathing moment no matter how big or small it may be.
I know it shouldn't take a 'good scare' to remind someone how blessed they are with the gift of life but I believe God sometimes needs to scare us to remind us what we really need to be thankful for.
I'm recentered on what really matters in life.
So what that said, goodnight and thank you God... thank you God!

I just poured my heart out, there's bits of it on the floor.

I could write this all down in fancy words and impress you but I'd rather just put it out there plain & simple.

I feel rejected.
I feel completely alone and abandoned.

Everything that's been going on lately stirred up the same childhood feelings of being chastised from the group of people you assumed would always be there for you. You know, those people you called "friends." What does that word mean anyways? I'm really starting to believe that I only have 3 people in my life I could even call a friend.

This exact situation seems to keep repeating itself. I'm always chosen last. I am second best. I never measure up and I am left behind. If I sound like I am feeling bad for myself it is becaue I am! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! Why does this keep happening to me? I just want to be able to trust people but how can I when they just end up turning their backs on me and abandoning me? It's not right. I'm not that terrible of a person. I am a good friend, I would do anything for someone I call my friend! I have alot to offer and will not hold back from sharing with you. What am I doing wrong? Please tell me...

"True friendship is not just a "relationship", but self-sacrificing love. A friend is also one who supports, sympathizes, and is a person in whom you can confide."

Only 9 more days till roadtripping to NY to see my Britt... with my Sammie Cheeks, THANK GOD! The four walls of my room are becoming too familiar, my fingernails are becoming stained with oil paints, I can not take this anymore. I need someone to make me worthwhile again.

Let me embrace you with this kiss

I forgot how much I love these kids. ha ha!

REMINDER TO SELF: having bad day, watch this video.

Count your _______?

I'm going to have some very good stories to add to my "book of truths" one day, considering the amount of time I've already wasted sitting on dirty curbs of gas stations waiting for my poor Father to bring me my spare set of keys after once again locking them in the car.

"How did you do it??"
"Well Dad if I knew how it keeps happening do you think I would be borrowing the gas stations phone to call you at 8am?"

You'd be suprised how much you can learn sitting on the curb of a gas station like a hobo for 50 minutes. Maybe I will share some stories with you when I have more time. I think you might enjoy them.

It's your turn to amaze me

The constant back & forth battle in my head gets really tiering.
Even now that I know what I want it still continues. I wish the negative thoughts would just go away but, I guess it's because a subconcious part of me still needs old habbits to help me get by.
I'm exhausted but, I'm not giving in this time!

So I apologize if I seem a little distant and like I'm keeping to myself more lately. I'm just trying to get through my days as successfully as possible. Fighting, every step of the way.

"In hard times comes growth. When things seem 'okay' we're stagnant in our emotional growth"

Driver's seat

It seems about time I start writing again.
I've taken a few weeks/months off.
It's not that ideas haven't been cruising through my head but, a part of me has wanted to ignore them due to the fact that right now I've wanted to settle into trying to be "normal," and focus on nothing besides that.... and my "creative writing" thoughts are far-far from normal. Sometimes I worry myself.
Normality is a bore! no wonder I've always strayed so far from that line.
It's just not for me, so I say FUCK IT!

I'm not planning on filling this with random tandums on my daily scheduale but hopefully more interpersonal thoughts, ideas, possibley feelings even??
Who knows.
Take what you can get because I'm not promising much.

I'm just bored at work and in the momment this little starting a blog seemed like a decent waste of my time.