Resolved

I never make "New Years Resolutions." I don't really understand why people feel that January 1st, "the start of a new year," needs to be their excuse to make positive changes in their lives and set new goals. Why not do it NOW!? Throughout the year I am constantly challenging myself with new goals and when I feel my lifestyle is becoming "unhealthy" I act on it in the moment and make the necessary changes. The whole idea of a new year does put you in the spirit to make these changes, so I do encourage everyone to take the opportunity to think about what they need to do for themselves to live a healthier and happier life... emotionally and physically.

Starting 2 weeks ago I started making some transitions in my life, because I didn't see the point in waiting for January 1st.

1. Before I left for Detroit, I started running again. I'm committing myself to at least 2 days of running 30+ minutes with light lifting and 2 days of lifting for 40+ min, and 1 day of yoga. I have no excuse to not go to the gym since there's one in my basement, and it makes me feel physically healthy and it does wonders for my anxiety.

2. I am also giving up using/purchasing plastic water bottles, because they are consuming mass amounts of our oil reserves to produce and contributing to the ridiculous amount of waste our country produces. I got a Kor One water bottle for Xmas and I've been keeping it filled and in my bag, which has resulted in my drinking much more water! Check out their website korwater.com, and if you are concerned about tap water - you should really research how "clean" that bottled water is you're drinking... personally I am going to stick to the tap. :]


3. I have also slowly been making a transition from a vegetarian diet to a vegan. I've been vegetarian for 5 years now and strongly believe in the health benefits of a diet free of animal products. I've been reading a lot about alternatives for vegans to fulfill all their nutritional needs and I feel it is something I can easily transition to, and in the process better myself and my environment. I'm not doing this as means of loosing weight, but I strongly believe in a "greener" lifestyle and believe this is something I can easily do to be a more conscious global community member.

2009 is going to be a good year, I've decided.

10 of my favorite CD's from 2008

10. Lydia - "Illuminate"
9. Brett Dennen - "Hope for the Hopeless"
8. Coldplay - "Viva la Vida"
7. Manchester Orchestra - "Let My Pride Be What's Left Behind" EP
6. Cut/Copy - "In Ghost Colours"
5. John Mayer - "Continuum"
4. Cold War Kids - "Robbers and Cowards"
3. City and Colour - "Bring Me Your Love"
2. Ryan Adams & the Cardinals - "Cardinology"
1. Kings of Leon - "Only By the Night"

You will always be the same

You need to get out on your own,
so you can grow up!
She is holding you back,
but most importantly
she is stripping you of the joy
of saying "I did it myself!"



Enabler
en·abler
Pronunciation:
\i-ˈnā-blər, -bəl-ər\
Function: noun
Date: 1615
: one that enables another to achieve an end ; especially : one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior.

It's a Friday night affair

Foot taps
To the beat
Of anxious heart strings

Departing
Le maison
I have currated
For myself

Tap
Tap
Tap
Tappitytaptap

Arriving
In rooms
Holdings photos
I was too sentimental
To destroy

Your scent
Lingering
In the floor boards
Lingering
In my bed sheets

Mine.

Never have I ever
Never have I ever
Never have I ever

Never will I ever
Hold a soul
Like yours

You're light, you're love

With sprinkles on top

Three passions have governed my life

"If one is estranged from oneself, then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others."
-ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH

Time is eternity

Reality is a question
of realizing how real
the world is already.

Your sex is on fire

To this day, the best thing I've ever heard...
"I want to hug your face with my eyes."


:]

Afraid, not scared

It's sick, it's selfish, it's pathetic & it makes no sense... but, I miss my old body more than anything.
No matter how healthy I get & how normal I get I can't get IT out of my head.
I don't act on the urges any more, which I'm proud of, but I'm never happy - and I'm rather miserable
I hate this body I'm in right now.
This isn't me & I don't even know how to deal with myself.
I'm going to the gym right now, and it's 2am because if I don't I'm just going to lay awake looking at old pictures being depressed and I'd rather be productive.
I'm pathetic.
Dear God, please give me the strength.

I can't take my mind off of you

I watched Closer the other night at a friend's apartment & it made me totally fall in love with the movie again & with Damien Rice.

Love is Madness

I found some pictures from a particular weekend,
a long time ago.
They make me smile. :]
These are some good people.

I still hold your hand in mine, when I am asleep

James Blunt "Goodbye My Lover" came on my iTunes while on random play just now....

I remember laying in bed next to him on our last night together. The music was playing softly as we tried to fall asleep, but neither of us wanted to close our eyes and give up on the last few moments of being together. This song came on, and he sang it to me. In his perfect English accent that always made me weak at the knees. He sang it so beautifully, I didn't even expect it. I miss his arms and the way that I just seemed to fit so perfectly. It felt okay to let him hold me, I wanted him to hold me - I couldn't get close enough to him. Even though he was singing "Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend..." we both knew it wasn't going to be a "goodbye," but simply a "see you later." You can't give up on something that good.

I learned a lot that week with that beautiful foreign soul.

The freckles in your eyes

Laying in bed reading all day - felt this was worth sharing....

Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form. In the stillness of your presence, you can feel your own formless and timeless reality as the unmanifested life that animates your physical form. You can then feel the same life deep within every other human and every other creature. You look beyond the veil of form and separation. This is the realization of oneness. This is love. What is God? The eternal One Life underneath all the forms of life. What is love? To feel the presence of that One Life deep within yourself and within all creatures. To be it.

Therefore, all love is the love of God.

Love is not selective, just as the light of the sun is not selective. It does not make one person special. It is not exclusive. Exclusivity is not the love of God but the "love" of ego. However, the intensity with which true love is felt can vary. There may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others, and if that person feels the same toward you, it can be said that you are in a love relationship with him or her. The bond that connects you with that person is the same bond that connects you with the person sitting next to you on a bus, or with a bird, a tree, a flower. Only the degree of intensity with which it is felt differs.




"You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter. "

Like knives

Faces became the canvases for Maggie & my art projects tonight.
We procrastinated our homework because Hillary came home with a bag of makeup from the beauty closet at Teen Vogue and we got a little excited.
Maggie did my face & I did Hillary's.
Things got a little crazy!


My handy work!

I threw on a life preserver, but preservation is only temporary

I haven't seen any live music (bands, musicians, ect.) since I moved here to the city. If you know me you will understand that LIVE music is a necessity in my life/weekly routine. I've probably averaged a show or concert at least once a week since I was in 6th grade. Since my first local hall show, to my first experience at St. Andrews in Detroit, I have been addicted to the intensity and freedom of standing in a crowd at a concert. I love music because of how it makes me feel inside, like I am the only person in the room and the floor is MY dance floor. I love feeling the bass and pumping percussion move me to dance like no one is watching. I love being apart of a crowd, gathered like a small community all there united with a common interest and love for that band at the front of the room. I love the friends I have met through years of being apart of these small communities and the memories I have made.

It's been about 4 months now and I am going a little CRAZY!
I don't care if it's even a musician with an acoustic guitar at a coffee shop or you sitting on my bedroom floor playing me my old favorite 80's & 90's classics. At this point - I need to hear something loud and passionate - SOON! Come find me.

A dull ache & a slow bleed

"It's the lies that we tell ourselves to make it feel alright
But who's gonna get your back when you're always turning around"

Teaching you how to swim

"Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction does that. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever. This is one reason why most people are always trying to escape from the present moment and are seeking some kind of salvation in the future. The first thing that they might encounter if they focused their attention on the NOWWW is their own pain, and this is what they fear. If they only knew how easy it is to access in the Now the power of presence that dissolves the past and its pain, the reality that dissolves the illusion. If they only knew how close they are to their own reality, how close to God. Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. The pain is there anyway. Three failed relationships in as many years are more likely to force you into awakening than three years on a desert island or shut away in your room. But if you could bring intense presence into your aloneness, that would work for you too. "

From The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle
I'm re-reading this book. I read it back when I was in treatment my first time [4 + years ago] & feel like I need a little refreshment right now. I highly recommend it.

Desperate desires

In order to win, you have to want it more.