Notes to a friend.

It is the light, not the darkness, inside of us that we seem to always be the most afraid of... you're dark yet lovely missy! Embrace the good and the bad, but know that the laughter is ALWAYS inside of you... let it resonate for all the world to see. It's always there, no matter how 'dark' you may feel. The past [and the negative people in it] is just that: the PAST - don't carry it with you, it doesn't define you. If you stop allowing it to have substance, it can no longer tarnish this perfect moment that is right now! & now! & now! Everything you need is always available in the present tense. The past, the darkness, the bullshit will not service you in the present. So let go. 'If you don't reveal the brilliance you are, the world will be less.' You're an amazing person, don't let the narcissistic people in this world ever convince you that you're anything less than A FUCKING BAD ASS!



Wake up tomorrow morning... HELL, wake up every morning and stand in front of that mirror. You know, that mirror that's been following you through this great city adventure... the one that's now unevenly hung above your bedside table. Take the biggest inhale you've ever inhaled. Notice today's scent. Notice the recycling of the early morning air that's been sneaking in through the window you always keep cracked an inch and three-quarters. Inhale the positives and exhale the negatives. Envision them: like black smoke, being stuffed back out that same obsessively measured crack in the structure you call 'home.' Don't be shy, stare at the reflection in that gypsy mirror. Really look at yourself; examine your slowly aging face. Notice what IS, and let go of the assumptions... the 'what could be's.' It's like drawing, see what's in front of you, and let go of the image you've already painted in your head; you'll get a more accurate picture this way. Look deep into those two gapping holes in your face; those huge eyes that always seem to grab the attention of the strangers you keep praying didn't notice your face in the crowd. If the eyes are the window to the soul, then take this opportunity to peek inside. Discover the truth, the lightness, the inter-being-ness connecting you to the present and everyone and everything sharing it with you. Don't be afraid, let the warmth of the moment thaw the pieces of yourself you've been keeping on ice- let them melt away-away-away! SMILE. Smile back at what'ever it is you find in that space, for this is the truth, and truth will always set you free.

We'll catch a plane to Barcelona, cause this city's a drag

While you were sleeping
I kissed you
alllllll over your p.e.r.f.e.c.t face
in a pattern mocking
the f r e c kles on my bare arm.

Nothing worth anything, ever goes down easy.

'Undeniable' use to be their song...
now 'On and On' seems more fitting.
It makes me cry everytime, still.
I wish I could send this song to them.
I wish music could fix things like it does in my head.

I haven't slept in weeks.

I never realize how much I hate being 'alone,' until I crawl in to this empty bed every night.
I hate the new coldness this season has brought.
and I hate the empty left side... the side I now sleep on, just to feel closer to your g h o s t.
I keep trying to remind myself that 'time alone is good...'
but it doesn't make this empty bed feel any warmer.





"If you can't find someone to walk with you, then walk alone for that period in time. It's loving what is. It's being realistic. It's about loving people exactly where they are and letting them be where they are and then when you're guided to say something and do something it'll have some meaning. Then you won't waste your energy in a whole bunch of "hoo-haa"-what'ever, because you think that somebody else is suppose to understand you." - Greg Barette

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.

From : March 27, 2006
With one foot in front of the other,
The journey is that of an unsteady pace.
Every missed step is matched by an even greater stride.
You choose the unmarked path and dive in; right side leads.
Emotional stability blocks the blows to your ego.
It’s all a gamble; a simple hit or miss.

I believe in the fever to set the stage afire.
I believe in the inspiration to illuminate the loose leaf.
I believe in the wind to coil the tune of a heavenly voice
towards my appreciative ears and sensitive heart.

It's your gamble; a simple hit or miss.
A downfall is an opportunity in disguise.
Just one more strike, to set the wet match ablaze
You’d of missed the glory days, without granting it that
“One last shot.”

I believe in the fuel that ignites the fatigued muscles
I believe in the strength of a single dream.
I believe in the drive, the ambition, the appetite.
I believe in the passion.

I embrace the mystery of life...

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom the emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause and stand wrapped in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed." -Albert Einstein



Ironically I had this quote written amoungst the notes I was using for the paper I was writing tonight on Kuhn's book "The Structure of the Scientific Revolution," and right when I finished my paper I checked my email and the daily meditation email I receive from Renaissance Unity started with this same quote. Ironic, or a sign? Regardless, it's kind of freakin me out!


Dear God,
Whenever I think I have life figured out, something new and exciting
and unexpected happens and I realize that every change I go through
changes everything.
I open myself to the mystery of Your presence.
I offer my heart as a place for Love to live and grow.
I offer my life as a vehicle for Your peace.
So it is!
Amen

The Structure of the Scientific Revolution

"I know it's hard to convince you, but life is too short to be writing conclusions for introductions that shouldn't have been written in the first place."

.. and on that note...
The Lexicon to Understanding Our Lovely Kuhn:
Paradigm: 'to show, an example.'
Definition: 'a term that must be defined by opposing terms.'
For example: In respect to its historicity : internal coherence. Arbitrary : necessary. Ambiguity : modeled or articulated. Structure : revolution. Specification : normal. Past : future.

A paradigm, according to Kuhn, is both precedent and unprecedented. It is open ended and exclusive. The paradigm sets the puzzle, gives the answer and sets the parameters of the answer. The puzzle, the paradigm itself, contains the answers it is set to solve in the first place. Failure within the paradigm brings about a new paradigm. The paradigm, according to our celebrated Kuhn, is self destructive and self solving. The paradigm is the model by which Kuhn views the evolution within normal science. Normal science means research firmly based upon one or more past scientific achievements, achievements that some particular scientific community acknowledges for a time as supplying the foundation for its further practice. These achievements can be called paradigms. This movement is not linear or straightforward [like Fleck's structure of self moving history] but revolutionary. The successive transition from one paradigm to another via revolution is the usual developmental pattern of mature science. This revolution starts in what Kuhn calls the 'pre-paradigmatic' period when the facts of the current paradigm begin to be challenged by researches who all confront the same problem in different ways. There can be numerous pre-paradigms existing at the same time independently, eventually a new paradigm emerges from the pre-paradigm competition. To be accepted as a paradigm, a theory must seem better than its competitors, but it need not, and in fact never does, explain all the facts with which it can be confronted. Eventually the other pre-paradigmatic competitors and the previous paradigm will disappear. A paradigm transforms a group into a discipline with it's own facts and books. Paradigms gain their status because they're more successful than their competitors in solving a few problems that the group of researchers recognize as acute. This is when normal science occurs. The paradigm is like a box which researchers try to stuff nature in to. There is no effort to discover anomalies, and even when they occur they're usually ignored or go unnoticed. There is no effort create new theories. Normal scientific research is directed to the articulation of those phenomena and theories that the paradigm already supplies. This tunnel like vision researchers have when in a paradigm is important because it allows for them to investigate some part of nature in a detail and depth that would otherwise be unimaginable. It is not until the paradigm stops functioning that it is possible for researchers to become aware of and recognize anomalies. Anomalies are all known exceptions related to the generally accepted pattern of normal behavior. This period of the revolution can be called crisis science which is when the emergence of a new theory is generated by the persistent failure of the puzzles of normal science to be solved as they should through recognizing and analyzing anomalies. Although anomalies challenge the current paradigm, scientists will not loose faith in the current paradigm without another credible alternative. Often times there will be competing anomalies at the same time, or an anomaly will be discarded after being analyzed but further explored by the community in a later generation that has the proper tools to solve the problem. It is the recognition that the current paradigm is no longer functioning and accepting the emergence of anomalies, even seeking them out that can be called originality. The revolution occurs when the anomaly becomes normal, is eventually expected, and this is the internal momentum that regenerates the revolution. Paradigms seem invisible because the revolutions reflexivity is internally moving as a community and the view of history is nonlinear. The understanding comes at the end, not the beginning. To keep the revolution moving, in all areas of science and art, it is important to have originality. It is important for researchers to see the problem that nobody else sees because that is the internal momentum of Kuhn's model. The community must see paradigm change as progress, as we have seen, this perception is, in important respects, self-fulfilling. An idiot can solve a problem, but to keep the structure intact, it takes 'researchers' to take a new view, and discover the problem nobody else sees and reflexively it can reset the puzzle and provide the parameters and answer itself.

'I' before 'E' except after 'C' ?

I always go searching for the things that will hurt me the most. I've spent so much of my life sick and wounded, that I think sometimes this new found 'happiness,' terrifies me. I'm not sure why I felt the need to go searching for the old Ali tonight, but it happened, the stories fell into my lap. The sickness, the disease, the heartache, the lies, the deceit, the darkness, the past. The past that I can never bury deep enough. The past that rises like the bile I coughed up at least a thousand times too much. The old pain that seems to pick away at the scabs of the new wounds, in just the way I like it. I'm addicted to the past that nearly destroyed me, that could still destroy me if I don't just LET GO. I'm letting go. I'm gonna do it. I'm not just gonna walk on the narrow ledge I've been balancing on for the past five years, I'm gonna close my eyes and dive. Dive head first into all the perfect love I keep trying to stifle. I'm gonna fall down to come back up. Back to the now, back to the present tense. The tense I can never seem to write in. I'm gonna let go and let it write itself.

You can't cage a free thing

Baby I could climb down in to your dreams

If a real man like Mat Kearney exists...
I'm gonna find you!

The rhythm of the heart is the birth and death of all that are alive.

As I was getting ready the other morning, I was voicing some frustration to God and asking him for guidance in a certain situation that I am unsure of how to deal with. I have found myself getting angrier and angrier at someone I truly care about in my life and allowing their issues to affect my well being and anxiety. I have been trying to figure out how to help this person but my anger and frustration has gotten in the way of allowing me to find sympathy and compassion towards them any longer. I have been in the same position they are, but I cannot seem to find the strength to put my frustration with them aside to be the true friend I know they need, the support that I knew I needed at that time. As I was praying to God for guidance, to help me find compassion again, I picked up this book 'Heart Steps' that was sitting on my nightstand and randomly flipped to a page unconsciously. I landed on a page with this message on it...

MY SOUL IS A COMPASSIONATE HEART
I am compassionate. I allow my heart and imagination to embrace the difficulties and concerns of others.
While maintaining my own balance, I find it within myself to extend sympathy, attention, and support.
When they are grieved, I listen with openness and gentle strength.
I offer loyalty, friendship, and human understanding.
Without undermining or enabling, I aid and assist other to find their strength.
I allow the healing power of the Universe to flow through me, soothing the hearts and feelings of those I encounter.

It was quite the perfect mantra to open that book too. I have been reading this to myself every day, trying to find strength in these words, and in myself to allow the healing power to flow through me. I will continue to pray that my friend finds strength within their self to feel the healing power of the universe, to choose a healthier quality of life, because they truly deserve it.

Itinerary

2007

I'm so happy I am not 'this' girl anymore.
I am so happy I found peace.
I am so happy I realized I deserved better.
I am so happy I got out of Michigan.
2007, was a BAD year.



'Photographs Don't Lie'
(found on a harddrive from 2007)

He adored her
He doted over her creative imperfections
Always accepting
and challenging her distorted perception of reality
Her actions were even more unclear than her unorganized thoughts
She spoke before thinking
Speaking the truth regardless of how offensive she may be
She lived by one big contradictive policy
Like she was pressing down on the fast-forward button
Skipping over the “unimportant” parts
But still, she was the only one on the opposite side of the lens
The one that he spent years trying to keep in focus
She was always sliding in and out of frame

pretending to not notice his struggle to keep up with her impulsive pace
He took snapshots of her best 
and worst features
each one individually

Telling a story all their own
He took it as his responsibility
trying to convince her of the beauty he worshiped
How could she not see it?

The audience…
they loved her!



Her eyes seemed to reflect the fury of the storm brewing in the gray clouds
and he cleaned up the mess left behind
after the flood gates had been released
Attempting to capture the sympathy of his strong arms
She wanted more than the awkwardness of these situations
Paralyzed by the memories of arms that weren’t as genuine
A distant touch that always seemed to haunt her in the most painful way
She intentionally tried to appear unintentionally needy of compassion
Smearing her vibrant palate of lipstick on the collar of the faces and the places she tried to call home
She was only trying to define the things she would soon suppress to the darkest holes of her consciousness
She wanted to take it all in

and let it slowly seep back out
Conserving the air that would sustain the handful of years she had left in her

Holding her breath in fear of disturbing his peaceful sleep
She wanted to give him everything
Her intentions were true this time
She was scared that everything she had had to give
wasn’t much of anything at all.
He questioned her judgment
Lost sleep over her flirtatious behavior
If her provocatively girlish smile did as much for the other hungry bastards
He knew he was in trouble.
“God damn those bastards!” she silently screamed into the pillow beside him
“
God damn those bastards with their untrue intentions! 
”
God damn those bastards with the untrue intentions who always built up the walls he struggled to destroy
Those bastards never loved her
or even appreciated her
She wasn’t just some body they thought they could abuse
Using for their own goodtime
Always bringing over her favorite wine
in the dark cobalt bottle
With a name they couldn’t pronounce
She sipped on glass after glass
It was the only way she could even tolerate their ignorance
She could never have enough
She was celebrating the pain of their touch
As their hands became more friendly
burning every precious inch of her innocent body
Their dirty hands mutilating her flawless skin
It was like acid 
and every unwelcomed touch scared her deeper
than even her sharpest razor could have cut

Those bastards never caught the moments that defined her elegance
showcasing the compassion she was too afraid to see in herself
These were the moments he fell in love with her again, and again
Despite the demons that sometimes got the best of her
Even years later he couldn’t forget those stormy eyes
and the way they darted about the world she used as her personal canvas
He’d leave parties to recklessly hunt through the libraries of albums he hid in the basement of his subconscious for that one photo
that would nurse all the wounds that never healed

Reminding him how far they had come
and even how much easier it was to loose her
The snapshots he preserved in his personal archives
illustrated the person that he gave up everything for
The person he always wanted her love like he did
In those photos her authentic,
uninhibited innocence was captured
In the candid laughter that still echoed in his not so distant memories
In his photographs her true colors were synthesized
despite the black and white of her scripted persona.
She tried so hard to appear aloof
and untouchable
to even him
But he touched her

and only because she let him
She tried pretending she didn't notice

or even appreciate the prudence that was in his delicately strong hands
Secretly and anxiously she anticipated the next time his welcomed hands would penetrate beneath the layers of her clothes

Muting the burning left behind
With every organic blink
he captured her beauty and rawness in a way he would remember