Saturday, January 30, 2010

"No," means "don't put your hands on my cheek and pretend you love me"




He put his hands on me, even after I begged him not to.
His fingers ran over my limp skeleton, like acid eating away at what was not his to hold.
I wish he could hear me, crying tears of haterd, but he was too distracted with my body, a disposable toy, in his filthy hands.

Friday, January 29, 2010

We leave here the same way we came

"Death is the ego's biggest lie. In fact, what God created is eternal. Your body can perish, but your spirit cannot. There is no death. The Son of God is free."
-A Course In Miracles


More sad news today....
My Grandma Rose's sister, my Great-Aunt Helen, made her transition back into the arms of Our Father God.
She has battled cancer, one too many times, and her body was obviously tired. She was ready to release her sick body to transition into the next life - free of pain and disease. To be a free Soul, to dance amongst the angels, once again.

She was an important part of my life growing up. Every Saturday, when I was around seven years old, I use to be on a country line dance team with her and my Grandma... we'd even perform at State Fairs and other silly Midwestern-thangs like that. I guess you can blame that early up bringing on why to this day I am still a true cowgirl at heart <3 Even as I got older, she always made a point to attend all of my recitals and ballet performances. I still remember the joy and pride in her eyes when she saw me perform my first lead role in a company ballet performance; as the Scarecrow in the ballet version of The Wizard of Oz. She was like another Grandma to me. I also owe to her the love of having my arms 'tickled' on that one time my Mom was in the hospital [or maybe it was when my Grandma was getting surgery? my memory is failing me right now] and Aunt Helen sat in that awful teal-sterile-waiting-chamber, tickling my arms - for hours- calming my lifelong 'Hospital Anxiety.' When one of her hands would get tired from all the stroking, she'd make me jump in to the seat on the other side of her so she could use her other arm. No one will ever give me the 'sqwigglies,' as I liked to call them, like she did.

Last week when I was home in Detroit, she made a 'turn for the worse,' and ended up in Hospice care and my Mom kept saying we should go see her before I came back to the city because it would probably be the 'last time.' Being the optimist that I am, I didn't want to believe it'd be the last chance to see her, and I didn't make an effort to go say 'Goodbye,' to tell her how much she meant to me, to tickle her arms and relieve her of the chronic pain she was in. I'll never be able to get that opportunity back, and I feel SO selfish. SO guilty. SO mad at myself, for [like fucking usual!] being too wrapped up in my petty self absorbed life to make the effort. Now it's too late, now I can only hope she can 'hear' me, only hope she knew how much I really did appreciate her presence in my life.

I am thankful she is no longer in pain, I am thankful she is free of a body full of disease, a body that no longer serviced the free spirit inside of her. I am thankful she has another chance to be reborn, to dance, to be free and joyful like I will always remember her to be. I hope she is doing the 'Boot-Scootin'-Boogy' into what'ever next life she is moving in to - maybe teaching another angel or two how to stomp her boots like a real cowgirl! I love you Aunt Hellen.


Our Father, bless our eyes today. We are Your messengers, and we would look upon the glorious reflection of Your Love which shines in everything. We live and move in You alone. We are not separate from Your eternal life. There is no death, for death is not Your Will. And we abide where You have placed us, in the life we share with You and with all living things, to be like You and part of You forever. We accept Your Thoughts as ours, and our will is one with Yours eternally. Amen.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

“One certain effect of war is to diminish freedom of expression.”

Two very influential men have made their transition this week.
RIP Howard Zinn and JD Salinger


Howard Zinn's "The People's History of the United States," and numerous of Salinger's short stories [and of course 'The Catcher In the Rye'] made quite an impact on me during my high school education - I guess you could give them some credit for getting my mental clock ticking. But, now- I look at the assortment of writers, directors, artists, and leaders that we have to pick-and-choose from in our current global crisis - a paradigm I like to call: 'OH SHIT! WE'RE FUCKED', and I often wonder who will use their voice for an honest cause? Who will leave a legacy as great as the revolutionaries who paved the road for us to live such a liberated lifestyle? [but also left us with a big fucking dump to clean up!] Who will get up off their lazy asses and start making a scene?






"Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."

I know blue eyes get boring, but I'll wear dark glasses all the time.

That summer in Paris I kept begging you to call me by my 'French' name, the one our professor had so affectionately given me when we completed our course. But, you refused. You said it made me sound like a French whore. I think you were just jealous that he gave me a pet name, and not you! But, I told you, just as long as you refused to call me, 'Chloe Vinewood,' I refused to take off my 'ridiculous' sunglasses that you kept nagging me to stop wearing 24/7. But what you didn't understand darling, is that blue eyes - they're very sensitive to light. Sunlight. Fluorescent light. Moon light. You were convinced that I was 'hiding' from the World behind those big shades, but sweet heart, I was only trying to protect my eye sight! And I must have been doing something right because the optometrist said my eye sight was improving. In fact, he said he had never seen anyone's vision improve so much! I told him that I once read a story about this woman who was blind - not just 'legally blind' like I was, but blind-blind, like the people who need to read braille - and she cured her vision through positive thinking. Supposedly every day she would lay in bed and stare at this one corner in her room and tell herself that she could see, and then slowly but surely her vision corrected itself. Of course my doctor laughed at me and told me it was 'impossible,' but I insure you - I have been practicing similar techniques and, what else could be the explanation for my sudden and drastic improved vision? I asked for the doctors address and mailed him a copy of the story as soon as I got home.


One mad brunette at the bar, with her boys...





'He's wailing beer caps of bottles and jamming at the cash register, and everything is going to the beat. It's the beat generation. It's beat. It's the beat to keep. It's the beat of the heart. It's being beat and down in the world, and like old time lowdown, and like in ancient civilizations, the slave boatmen rowing galleys to a beat and servants spinning pottery to the beat.'

- Kerouac

I'm living in NYC c.1956

My favorite way to enjoy Ginsberg is listening to old cassette recordings in George Tysh's room, on the second floor of The Roeper School, sitting in a circle with students who have read books I will probably never understand, breathing in the familiar scent of head shop incense and sipping authentic Chinese tea. America.




The Cocktail Party (1949)

Quite possibly one of my favorite pieces of writing that ever did exist...





-T.S. Elliot

It will do you no harm to find yourself ridiculous.
Resign yourself to be the fool you are.

You will find that you survive humiliation
And that's an experience of incalculable value.

That is the worst moment, when you feel you have lost
The desires for all that was most dersirable,
Before you are contented with what you can desire;
Before you know what is left to be desired;
And you go on wishing that you could desire
What desire has left behind. But you cannot understand.
How could you understand what it is to feel old?

We die to each other daily.
What we know of other people
Is only our memory of the moments
During which we knew them. And they have changed since then.
To pretend that they and we are the same
Is a useful and convenient social convention
Which must sometimes broken. We must also remember
That at every meeting we are meeting a stranger.

What is hell? Hell is oneself.
Hell is alone, the other figures in it
Merely projections. There is nothing to escape from
And nothing to escape to. One is always alone.

Half the harm that is done in this world
Is due to people who want to feel important.
They don't mean to do harm — but the harm does not interest them.
Or they do not see it, or they justify it
Because they are absorbed in the endless struggle
To think well of themselves.

There are several symptoms
Which must occur together, and to a marked degree,
To qualify a patient for my sanitorium:
And one of them is an honest mind. That is one of the causes of their suffering.

To men of a certain type
The suspicion that they are incapable of loving
Is as disturbing to their self-esteem
As, in cruder men, the fear of impotence.

I should really like to think there's something wrong with me —
Because, if there isn't then there's something wrong,
Or at least, very different from what it seemed to be,
With the world itself — and that's much more frightening!

Everyone's alone — or so it seems to me.
They make noises, and think they are talking to each other;
They make faces, and think they understand each other.
And I'm sure they don't. Is that a delusion?

Can we only love
Something created in our own imaginations?
Are we all in fact unloving and unloveable?
Then one is alone, and if one is alone
Then lover and beloved are equally unreal
And the dreamer is no more real than his dreams.

I shall be left with the inconsolable memory
Of the treasure I went into the forest to find
And never found, and which was not there
And is perhaps not anywhere? But if not anywhere
Why do I feel guilty at not having found it?

Disillusion can become itself an illusion
If we rest in it.

Two people who know they do not understand each other,
Breeding children whom they do not understand
And who will never understand them.

There is another way, if you have the courage.
The first I could describe in familiar terms
Because you have seen it, as we all have seen it,
Illustrated, more or less, in lives of those about us.
The second is unknown, and so requires faith —
The kind of faith that issues from despair.
The destination cannot be described;
You will know very little until you get there;
You will journey blind. But the way leads towards possession
Of what you have sought for in the wrong place.

We must always take risks. That is our destiny.

If we all were judged according to the consequences
Of all our words and deeds, beyond the intention
And beyond our limited understanding
Of ourselves and others, we should all be condemned.

Only by acceptance of the past will you alter its meaning.

Every moment is a fresh beginning.

I've got $5 we can put in the tank



Sometimes all it takes is an invite for a nightcap at Bua, Bon Iver on my neighbors stereo, street art on Bowery, a ride on a strangers Harley, anything for a dollar in Union Square, and the smell of turpentine on my hands to really get me off.

Revolutions never go backwards




Like Kuhn says,
a 'term' is defined by its opposite

waxing gibbous : waning crescent

each dependent on its counterpart to create the 'whole'

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I always pause if I can on Fifth Avenue, look uptown with my head in the stars

"I thought of walking the empty streets alone and about how no matter how sad I or anyone else gets there, New York seems to prop a loner up on his side and up by the bootstraps we go, we loners. Our fair city is here to remind us that we are all alone together."
- Ryan Adams [blackbookmag.com 'Golden Stars on Streets of Piss']




Family first, lovers later



Toes soaked with Earth.
A full moon & a cemetery dance.
Eleonora's shadow.
A bare legged nymphet.
Pages torn from a lifetime of prose.
A bed of sticks & bones.
My hands felt cold,
your words felt dull.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

There's 52 ways to murder anyone, one or two are the same, but they both work as well.

Someone get these for me for my BDay: April 2nd
Pleaseandthankyouverymuch

Rule one of sex: a person can do anything for ten minutes if they don't breath in.



"If you think I'm just plucky and scrappy and all I need is love, you're in over your heads. I don't have a heart of gold and I *don't* grow one later, OK? But relax. There's other people a lot nicer coming up - we call them "losers.""

Le langage du corps












I think one of my favorite things about language is that my words can have a different meaning - to me, and to you. And that's the great mystery of the whole ordeal.


Don't forget to cut the salvage

Lestor always told us, a relationship is like how we pull the thread on the muslin : the more patient and gentle you are, the easier the thread will pass through the grain without breaking.



I wish they would have been more patient.
I wish they wouldn't have allowed the initial rush of lust, that always so conveniently disguises itself as the 'real deal,' to lead them to losing themselves in one another; totally forgetting who they were as individuals.
I wish they wouldn't have allowed it to break. Over, and over, and over again! Until there was nothing left to tug at.
I wish I could stop getting caught up in the 'what ifs' of a past I do not own.
I wish my anxious hands knew of one relationship that didn't break, like all the threads, I pull too quickly.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Without faith, we're wasting time

I finally bought a physical copy of Marianne Williamson's 'A Return to Love,' and every chapter is slowly awakening parts of myself that have been frozen since my infancy. I have to read it with a pen/highlighter in hand underlining and taking notes on the parts that speak to me, because I love to go back when I am feeling 'lost' and just flip to a page and read what it was that I was originally drawn to and could inspire me in new ways throughout different chapters in my life.

I really liked this excerpt - it's about having faith - and about letting go. I know I need to stop trying to control the things that are not in my control, but sometimes it is so damn hard! But that's what faith is; 'believing that the universe is on our side, that the universe knows what it's doing. Faith is a psychological awareness of an unfolding force for good, constantly at work in all dimensions. Our attempts to direct the force only interferes with it. Our willingness to relax in to it allows it to work on our behalf. Without faith we're frantically trying to control what it is not our business to control, and fix what it is not our power to fix. What we're trying to control is much better off without us, and what we're trying to fix can't be fixed by us anyways.'

Marianne describes our attempts at interfering with the universe as interfering with our 'support system.' She says, "It is important to respect the laws that rule the physical universe because violation of these laws threaten our survival. When we pollute the oceans or destroy plant life we are destroying our support system and so destroying ourselves.

Internally, the universe supports our survival as well - emotionally and psychologically. The internal equivalent to oxygen, what we need in order to survive, is love. Human relationships exist to produce love. When we pollute our relationships with unloving thoughts, or destroy or abort them with unloving attitudes, we are threatening our emotional survival.

So the laws of the universe merely describe the way things are. these laws aren't invented; they're discovered. They are not dependent on our faith. Faith in them merely shows we understand what they are. Violation of these laws doesn't bespeak a lack of goodness; just a lack of intelligence. We respect the laws of nature in order to survive. And what is the highest internal law? That we love one another. Because if we don't, we will all die. As surely as a lack of oxygen will kill us, so will a lack of love.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

You gotta lose your mind in Detroit Rock City!



I've been working on a project over break for my upcoming semester... we were suppose to design a sportswear collection based on our 'cultural background,' but I decided since I was a mixture of too many cliche/typical ethnicities that I was going to use the thing that both of my parents had in common 'back in the day' & the one thing that has always personally inspired me: MUSIC! Both of my parents grew up in the Detroit music scene during the 80's and that is exactly what I am using as my inspiration. DETROIT ROCK CITY CIRCA 1980! I am having a blast looking through old photo albums of my mother's and researching the bands that paved the way for the 'scene' that I was apart of during high school. So many laughs and lots of inspiration! Here's a picture of my Dad in his band 'Strand' that is definitely making an appearance on my 'Inspiration'/Mood board. ha ha ha! Thanks Mom & Dad for being such inspirational people in my life, even though we may not have an interesting 'cultural' background you certainly taught me how to be a total ROCKSTAR! xo

Le Baiser de L'Hotel de Ville, Paris



I grew up with this Robert Doisneau photo in my grandmother's house, when she lived in Michigan. I remember always being attracted to it when I would visit her. When she moved to Florida, she passed the photo along to my father, who then hung it in the basement entertainment area of our home. My room was in the basement of our house so I frequented the area where it was on display. I saw it every day. I'd often times find myself sitting on the couch 'doing homework', and then realize I was starring at the photo hanging on the wall, swept away in a day dream; lost in foreign streets of a fantasy world I had built in the fine details of my imagination. Even today, when I think of love and of romance this photo is the image that appears vividly in the movie like memories of my conscious. I wonder if 'it' is as magical as I've made up in my head. Even if its not... [because I doubt it is] I know the love I have to give, is more quixotic than even the most creative of pens could write.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Makers Manhattan de Maison Rose à Rue Cortot



Sarah's hermit of a heart burned [bright.bright.b r i g h t e r]. Reflecting the warmth of his favorite city lights as the bus, she frequently took back and forth from suburbia [aka - Wayne, New Jersey] to her 'city life,' paralleled the skyline so many dreams are lost in. She pressed her flushed cheek to the cold window pane, allowing it to diffuse the fever her body temperature was quickly boiling to. The empty seat next to her mocked the empty bed she so deeply despised back at her studio apartment she shared in the East Village. She sat with her oversized bag in her lap, clutching on to the meaningless possessions that filled it; the little pieces of 'home' she always brought along for the ride, searching for substance in their banality the same way she scanned the streets for a face that responded to human interaction. Sarah's trip back to the city was always this bittersweet. Her heart was torn between two World's, but she loved him and this is where he loved. Passerby's may have described her walk back to 'the cave,' [as she affectionately referred to it] on 6th Street as if she was a giant child and there was an invisible parental like figure pulling her by an apathetic hand. Before she even settled in at home, she'd always meet him at that bar on St. Marks Place, the one that the regulars still smoked inside of, and the bartender was an old man who could probably still remember when the calculator was invented - but, DAMN! Did he know how to pour the whiskey heavy! She'd always find him waiting for her, in the back booth where they first met, and first held hands, and where she first let him kiss her, and where she first kissed him. Sarah loved their personal little alcove, in the 'back room,' away from the busy door that was frequented by foreigners with accents that reminded her of the places she [really] l o v e d. BUT, she loved him, and he was never afraid to take her hand and ask her to slow dance to songs you really couldn't slow dance to. He was years older than her, an intellectual, a graduate, a 'worldly' fellow. He didn't understand her fascination with the banality of the world, especially with the only place she'd ever really traveled to - Paris - he thought she romanticized 'things'. He thought it was a silly, touristy place. He didn't get it. He didn't get it at all. But, that's where she left her heart, amongst the silly-touristy-romanticized streets. That's where you'll find the cleanest parts of her heart.

"What we have here is a dreamer. When she jumped, I bet she thought she could fly."

I write about passion and love that I have never experienced. Maybe that's what comes with being an artist? I'm the dreamer, and the dream.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Splendid Isolation



I fell in love with the way your face lit up as we drove back from the ocean, like you had opened your eyes for the first time to the gallant beauty around you. Windows down, music up, and a full pack of Parliaments to get me home. I couldn't stop smiling as we made our way through the same gapping hole in the Earth that I lost my sanity over seven days prior as my plane descended above the 'West Coat.' Just like a giant cut in the bedrock of LIFE, and we could've been the blood t r i c k l i n g back to where we inherently belonged. Maybe it's just my own sentimental and artistic perspective, but it's that kind of landscape that always sobers my anxious thoughts. Landscapes so grandoise they could make even the nonbelievers fall to their knees in a form of surrender, shouting in to the infinite silence of their heart space: "Thank you sweet Universe, Divine Mother-Father-Everything-God!" Nothing human could have dreamt up such sublime beauty without witnessing creation at its finest first. My hands were numb [as usual!] as we left the rhythm of the metrical tides behind us, but there was a new [e n e r g y] pumping through my stiff limbs. I wanted to reach out with my anxiously cold and clammy palms, to take your hand in mine, to take the initiative this time. But my nerves just refused to deliver the message to my limp appendages. Something more potent than fear radiated into my blood stream and paralyzed my arms safely in my lap.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

A miracle is just a shift in perception

"All of a sudden, you're not too proud to ask for help. That's what it means to surrender to God."

5:12 am on Sunday, January 17th 2010
I believe I have experienced my first real miracle.

From this moment forward I surrender my physical body, my mind, my creative talents, my knowledge, my life purpose: as a vehicle to express the love of God that has always been inherent within me.


I will elaborate tomorrow when I am not so emotionally exhausted.


Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God.

I GET 'IT'

Friday, January 15, 2010

Bridges of Madison County


'I dont want to need you, 'cause I can't have you.'


Can't find truth in a house of lies



Need to move here.
Need to wake up with sand from last nights dance on the beach still stuck between my toes.
Need to have messy hair from the humidity.
Need to read a book a day.
Need to do yoga in rhythm with the tides.
Need to make the art that I want to make.
Need a b r e a k.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Sand on my feet, ocean in my hair.

There's this panic
settled in the left side of my chest
I can't seem to put a finger on it
Even the doctors can't come up with a diagnosis
science could never explain this d a n c e
It's like you've sunk your hook between the hollow space of my ribs
a pathetic inbred mermaid
being willingly dragged
in the opposite direction of the cerulean sea.