Everything in life responds to the song of the heart

Mom snuck this book in with the books I asked her to send me, I had read it awhile back and folded the corner on this page...

'MINE IS AN ADVENTUROUS HEART'
-from Julia Cameron's 'Heart Steps'

I choose an expansive life.
I choose adventure, freedom, self-expression.
I choose self-definition, self-love, self-renewal.
Life expands or contracts according to my expectations.
I expect good and that is what I experience.
Viewing the whole, I choose to be interconnected yet dependent.
I allow the force within me to open and enlarge my lens of perception and realm of action.
My horizons stretch ever wider as I define my identity in terms of my divinity.
I am an adventurer, an explorer, a dreamer whose dreams become true.
I embrace the adventure of life.
I have courage.

The girl who's in love with the World

I really love the way the World can make you feel so small sometimes. I really love the people who have come in and out of my life for even the briefest portions of my history; the ones who inspired me to be adventurous, to find the laughter in my heart again, to stop holding back and just open up my wings and fly, to trust in myself and stop being so damn afraid of being hurt or abandoned, to just let loose and dance to the rhythm of LIFE. I really love that I've finally become OKAY with being alone, that I've actually grown to love being a solo act, that I've embraced myself for the loner that I always have and might always be. I really love the way a song can synthesize a specific moment in time, but there's always the opportunity to hear it a different way and it just might make you fall in love with something in a completely original way. I love that at any second of the day I can step out onto my shallow stoop, into this empire of a city, take a walk around the block and discover something or someone uniquely new to inspire me. I love that I can make a person's day with a smile or a corny joke (G.G. always said laughter was the best medicine). I love that my capacity and hunger for knowledge seems infinite. I love that when I feel like I've given my all, I somehow always seem to stifle more energy, to push myself a littler further this time, to blow myself away with my new found potential. I love that I was given a voice, a voice that deserves to be heard, a voice that can speak up for herself, and those who can't fight for themselves sometimes. I love that I was blessed with good fortune, because what a better opportunity to help others less fortunate than I? I really love my family and friends, because without them I just might have given up that one time. I really love the way the World can make me feel so infinite sometimes.

Cold Roses

The clock next to my pillow hasn't worked for weeks
but since when have I been one to be on time?
Days feel like evening and vice versa.
The only proof that time is still ticking away
t i c k t o c k - i n g
in a spiral motion
are those roses.
The roses keep getting colder
hung to dry,
a wreath of my favorite city memories,
on a noose of silk.

Train of thought

"My thing is that I can never write about anything enough. I can never fully explain how much I love stuff. I can’t ever quite get it into the package."

We're gonna float around

Gotta get my space suit dry cleaned.
Andrew said he's gonna take me on a date to visit the moon in December
I'm hoping to catch a star
and if I'm lucky it will let me keep it, as a souvenir to wear on a red string around my wrist.
Btw- I hate the way 'souvenir' is spelled... should be more like souvenier or souvinear. IDK, maybe that's just me.

It's 4:30 in the morning, it's always 4:30 in the morning

The palest of my two palms is sweating...
recollecting
late night fingers
petting
skeleton knuckles

Repeatedly
falling limp

stale
and
clever

beautiful
and
morbid

atop the fleshy spot
your cheek
made home

Sometimes, I wish.
I wish,
I wish,
I wish!
The sky lark
would make it rain...
inside!

Flooding this rejected hideout
Washing away the faintness
of your scent,
disguised as echos
exhaled by sea shells
scattered
on the bed side table.

Episodic visions
of your bare hands
left to loiter
like morning dew
in the six corners
of my freedom

Spiritual Surrender

"How many times have we called on God and then ignored the opportunities he sent? Maybe we didn't recognize them because they didn't take the form we expected. Spiritual surrender requires faith, but it also requires paying attention to opportunities and taking action. We need to look to God for guidance, to keep us on the right course, but we can't expect God to kick-start us every morning and deliver breakfast in bed."
~Kathy Cordova
 
Strengthened by faith, I act upon the opportunities God provides.

Dear Mother/Father/God,
I surrender the pictures I have long held of the way I think things should happen.
I surrender the outcomes I have attached to my goals and plans.
I surrender the problems and challenges I have been holding onto by reliving and retelling them over and over.
I surrender my stubbornness and rigidity.
I surrender the pain from the past and fear of the future.
I surrender any outmoded beliefs I still cling to.
I surrender everything that is not part of Your plan for me.
I accept and act on the guidance You provide when I ask.
I say yes to the new life You are creating in and through me.
I say yes to the rebirth of the Christ in me.
I accept Your will as my own and I let it be.
Amen

Perfect families are boring

Thanksgiving is next week and everyone is talking about their plans of going home to be with their family. I'm not going home again this year, but that's not bothering me as much as just having to think about 'family,' right now. My parents have been divorced since I was two years old, my childhood was atypical to most, but seemed very normal to me. When my Dad and Step Mom got married, I was pretty excited. I was going to get the opportunity to be apart of a 'typical' family. I moved in with my Dad, Step-Mom, step-sister and little brother my Sophomore year in highschool because I NEEDED to feel like I was apart of my Dad's family, apart of their life. We had a big house in a beautiful neighborhood and our front porch looked on to the golf course, my step sister and I went to the same school, I got to watch my little brother grow up, my Dad came home from work and we'd usually all have dinner together, we vacationed together, we laughed together, we supported each other. We dealt with more shit and problems than most families do, but we were a family who supported and loved each other. It was a special experience for me, I needed it. I admired my Dad and Step-Mom's relationship, more than they will ever know, but I guess sometimes the perfect (but crazy) family isn't enough, maybe sometimes love just isn't enough. It's tearing me into a million little pieces to think that when I come home for Christmas we're not going to be the same family all living in the same house together. My Dad's moved into his house downtown, Lisa is living in the house with the kids... instead of having two houses to visit while I am home, I now I have three. I talked to my Mom (via Facebook chat - how weird! haha) and she reminded me that I still have a family, I have her - 'it only takes two people to make a family.' I love my Mom. For the longest time growing up it was just her and I living together, we've always had each other to lean on. It still hurts to know that my Dad's family is being torn apart, but no matter who is living with who, or no matter where any of us end up - we will always be family, blood or not, we'll always have each other. My little brother and sister mean the world to me, they inspire me to fight for what I believe in, to make a difference in the World around me, to stay strong, to see the World for the messy-beautiful thing it is, and I will continue to be there to support them as they grow up and face the demons of reality. It's so hard living states away, pursuing my dreams, when all I want is to hug them all, be the big sister I know they're going to need. I've laid in bed the past two days trying to get a grip on the reality of what is happening, hugging myself, trying to piece myself back together. I refuse to let this situation turn me cynical, I refuse to stop believing in the power of Love. I have a family who loves me, and who I love more than words could express, and that makes me one of the luckiest young women I know. God is Love, and Love is real... I won't loose faith.

You are my greatest Earthly blessing

Today's been tough. Laying in bed just counting the minutes from one anxiety attack to the next. I've never had so much work to do but been so paralyzed by my anxiety and inability to even start anything, or even concentrate on something for more than 10 minute intervals. I never thought being productive or motivated would be a struggle for me. I chose this crazy lifestyle, but sometimes it's hard to be completely alone. I miss my friends, my family. I'm in this big city, with no one to depend on but myself... sometimes, it gets a little tough. It's days like this were I just need a hug, and there's no one - I called my Dad and he reminded me the power of wrapping your arms around yourself, hugging yourself, hugging your inner child. The next month is really gonna test my mental, and physical, endurance but I'm taking it a day at a time, an hour at a time. Making a list, and checking it off.




'I have heard the crying of your heart.
I have seen the searching of your soul.
I know how deeply you have desired to be loved and accepted as you are.
Know that you are truly beautiful.
Love you always.'
(Thank you Dad, I couldn't be luckier.)

I know you better when I'm sleeping

I wake itching
Monday morning
your scent
permeating from
the pillow
buried in my skin
Your tarnished ring
on the night stand
A glass of midnight water
dully gleams back
reflecting last night
into my opal eyes
Unconscious fingertips
claw away
tearing
little pieces of you
left buried in
my too thin of skin
Cleaning
bloody nails
painting self portraits
on your white sheets
a souvenir,
a memento
to say the least.

-wrote this on 11/20/2008

You were holding me honey, kissin my soul

The only man who's made me cry, laugh, dance, and inspire me - all at the same time - in the past 2 years, and I don't even know him! Now that's talent. That's what music is about, that's what art is about. If you can make your listener, your audience feel like they know you, connect with them in such an intimate way that they can literally almost 'fall in love,' with you, with your art - you're doing something brilliant, something right. Ryan Adams, you are a genius. Thank you.


A few of my all time favs...


'Oh My Sweet Caroline'


'This House is Not For Sale'


The best performance of 'Wonderwall,' Ever


'Crossed out Name' by. Dr. Adams


'Cobwebs' by Dr. Adams


'Two' by. Dr. Adams

The guilt of witchery

Sometimes my potions don't work.
Sometimes your brother's ghost haunts our home.
He's a talkative little bugger.
Just wants to sit and discuss philosophy
over a cup of last weeks coffee.
He's a messy little fool of a ghoul.
Leaves me a puddle of memories
to be mopped from the hardwood floors.
I don't mind his conversation
but his mess is starting to leave a stain,
it's shaped like the birth mark on your neck
the one on the spot I use to kiss.
I'm starting to think I can see your face...
in the floor boards,
smudged into the grain.
He won't stop floating about my hair
going on tangents
about Nietzsche
and tragedy!
He's so rude that brother of yours,
soaring right back through the ceiling
rattling the dishes on his way out,
before I even get a word in!
My lips have started to bleed,
and bruise a mosaic of dull colors.
When he leaves, I get to lay with you.
Sprawled on the wet floor,
pressing my cheek next to yours,
I can hear you singing.
Inviting me to dance
into the darkness with you
Deep into the shadowy basement
you now call home.

When I Have Fears that I May Cease to Be

When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean’d my teeming brain,
Before high piled books, in charact’ry,
Hold like rich garners the full-ripen’d grain;
When I behold, upon the night’s starr’d face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour!
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love!—then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink.
-John Keats

This gives me hope, every time.

The Dance by. Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I have sent you my invitation, the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living. Don’t jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!" Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires, spiralling down into the ache within the ache. And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.

Don’t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart. Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living. And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don’t tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day. Show me you can risk being completely at peace, truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment, and again in the next and the next and the next. . .

I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring. Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall, the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will. What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart. And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business without letting business determine who you are. When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul’s desires have too high a price, let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world the stories and the songs you want our children’s children to remember, and I will show you how I struggle not to change the world, but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude, knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging. Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest intentions has died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being, not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don’t say, "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me.

Sunday morning omens

I saw a deer crossing the road for the first time ever this morning in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. It's image was the forefront in my thoughts all day long. I fell asleep on the bus and the deer came back to me. It led me in a maze-like-path; deep into the forest it called home. I gratefully laid with it in a blanket of colorful autumn foliage. I felt protected and loved. I felt one with The Source, held like a sweet-sweet child of Mother Earth. I didn't want to wake up and to leave the embrace of my morning dream world. Supposedly a deer can be an omen from the God's, a symbol of peace. Deer's are in tune with nature and all it holds. They are sacred carriers of peace and show others how to open their hearts and love unconditionally. I'm thankful for crossing paths with this beautiful beast this morning.

Il n'est rien de réel que le rêve et l'amour

I want to remember what 'it' feels like
to have your dreams realized by someone else's imagination
and to know that time does not limit the road this love can travel
because in this moment, with you, forever is the only answer.