If you let me have my way, I swear I'll tear you apart

I hate that sometimes I do things in spite of people. It never feels good at the end of the day. I wish I could explain myself, but I can't. Merde! I think I just let this loneliness get the best of me. I found a ticket stub the other day. It is from the day my status changed from "In a Relationship" for 2 years, to "Single." It's been a year and a month or so now that I've been a single lady. So much has changed. I am so proud of who I've become. Stronger, more confident, healthy, smarter, less self loathing and more self loving, more spiritual, but still Miss Lonely - still searching for someone to fill that void, but in all the wrong places. I can give everyone else the best advice and tell them to learn to stand on their own two feet and fill that void with self love, but really - it sucks. No one liiiiikes to be alone. It's always nice to have someone to share your happiness with. I do believe being single makes you a stronger person, but there comes a point where enough is enough. I just miss having that best friend who without a doubt is there for me. I don't miss him. I don't miss that relationship. I've grown up and could never go back to that. I just miss that comfortable feeling you have with that special someone. I miss getting to lay in bed with someone and making each other laugh over stupid inside jokes. I miss having a hand to hold and body to run up behind and wrap my arms around. I miss having someone to finish my sentences and someone who knows how I like my coffee in the morning. Someone who knows exactly how I like my arms "tickled" and kisses on my forehead. Someone who knows when I say I don't want to be touched I probably really just need to be held. Someone who pushes back when I push their buttons. Someone who will have my favorite drink waiting in the cup holder when I get in the car and knows all the right songs to play to make me smile. Someone who loves Ryan Adams as much as I do but knows that Weezy has the other half of my heart. Someone I can text cute messages to during the day and someone to monopolize my thoughts. Someone who thinks I'm cute on my bad hair and sweat pant days. Someone who's not afraid to dance like an idiot with me and will put up with me talking too much when I get nervous. I miss someone who truly appreciates me and my totally weird sense of humor and hyper personality. Someone to challenge me and something to work for. I miss having someone else to think about other than myself. I miss having someone to yell at me when I get a little too crazy on a Friday night, someone to keep me in line. I miss having someone to make dinner for and to cuddle with and watch movies. I need to find someone worth my time, everyone has just been so disappointing lately. "I've got a really big heart, I just can't catch a break" I want to make someone happy again. That's what I miss most. I'm so in love with life right now I just want to share it with someone.

Smart casual in the Palm Court

All of my roommates are officially gone. I'm sitting here in the middle of our floor wishing I was wrapped in my favorite blanket sitting in my favorite chair at my Mom's house watching movies with my best friend and ma mere - like we always did on those lazy days. You shouldn't have to be alone on the holidays, but I guess it will make me appreciate those "annoying" family gatherings more. I know I joked about it - but I think tomorrow morning I might go sit myself in my fur coat and big Ferragamo sunglasses in a cozy chair at the Plaza and drink tea and read a book. Happy Thanksgiving.

Pull me down hard & drown me in love

Sometimes our advice to others is what we need to remind ourselves of:

Self: "everyone deserves happiness, and he probably isn't even really happy. you don't need someone to be happy, and if you think you do then you've got it all wrong. he's just filling some void within himself with something false to make himself think he's happy and numb his pain and insecurities. you need to be happy being all alone and hold yourself up before you can give that love to anyone else, and i think we both know he can't do that. he's always running from one idiot girl to another. the girls he's with don't even know him. just rise above it all. love yourself. learn who you are. learn what it's like to be completely alone but completely in love with every aspect of who you are and the life you are creating. be able to make yourself laugh when you're sitting all alone. then one day you can know that it's time to be in a relationship because you don't NEED to be in one, but because you WANT to. you're so fulfilled as a person that you want to share your laughter with someone else. being in a relationship isn't about relying on someone else to make you happy it's about sharing your own personal happiness with the other person. it's about making them feel good about who they are because YOU feel good about who you are as a person and that energy radiates to them. you're light, you're love."

Friend: "i'm nothing"

S: "you're everything. remember that"

F: "i'll try."

S: "i'll remind you."

Ever drunk Baileys from a shoe?

So the Indian girls I live with are all sitting in our kitchen drinking Bailey's & eating indian food right now. I find this very amusing because none of them ever drink.


I'm waking up at 6am and going with Maggie to some Elementary school in Washington Heights to paint tiles for a mural with little kids. I love little kids. Not many things can voluntarily get me out of bed that early on a day I could be sleeping in, but I miss my little brother and it will be cool to get to hang with little kids and make them laugh all morning.

Cosmopolitan Greetings

Stand up against governments, against God.
Stay irresponsible.
Say only what we know & imagine.
Absolutes are Coercion.
Change is absolute.
Ordinary mind includes eternal perceptions.
Observe what’s vivid.
Notice what you notice.
Catch yourself thinking.
Vividness is self-selecting.
If we don’t show anyone, we’re free to write anything.
Remember the future.
Freedom costs little in the U.S.
Asvise only myself.
Don’t drink yourself to death.
Two molecules clanking us against each other require an observer to become
scientific data.
The measuring instrument determines the appearance of the phenomenal
world (after Einstein).
The universe is subjective..
Walt Whitman celebrated Person.
We are observer, measuring instrument, eye, subject, Person.
Universe is Person.
Inside skull is vast as outside skull.
What’s in between thoughts?
Mind is outer space.
What do we say to ourselves in bed at night, making no sound?
“First thought, best thought.”
Mind is shapely, Art is shapely.
Maximum information, minimum number of syllables.
Syntax condensed, sound is solid.
Intense fragments of spoken idiom, best.
Move with rhythm, roll with vowels.
Consonants around vowels make sense.
Savour vowels, appreciate consonants.
Subject is known by what she sees.
Others can measure their vision by what we see.
Candour ends paranoia.

-Allen Ginsberg

Aviation

I found a fortune from a fortune cookie on the ground today.
It said, "Flying is simple. Not hitting the ground is hard."

Do you remember that you told me darling, that I was so real?

If I could only have a taste
Wrap my lips around your flavor
Just because you are you
Just because you are, so beautiful

And I've been waiting all this life
In the company of one
And I know I am young
But I don't want to be alone
If you could only just
Consider the two of us
And i know darling
I could be so good to you

Brett Dennen - "Desert Sunrise"

mangez les bebes!

Once upon a time... from Capucha on Vimeo.

Weekly Top 10

10. My new long "fur" vest from LF
9. Christopher Guiterrez [http://www.myspace.com/thedeadxstoppublishingcompany]
8. $5.50 Marlboro Menthols
7. Dancing at the MOMA
6. Seeing Steve Aoki DJ
5. Sangria & dinner @ Room Service catching up with Spencer
4. Jillian waking up
3. Otown sing along with Maggie
2. Talking to my best friend on the phone for the first time in MONTHS
1. "Cats" - Cookies for People

True love and the damage done

AMEN TO THIS:

immaturity is the act of compromising yourself in an unhealthy relationship. this isn't rocket science and for damn sure isn't a new revelation. such a simple concept, yet how many people do we know that constantly repeat the cycle of "man, why do my friends only go for crazy motherfucking girls?"

this leads to a few conclusions. either:

a) our friends are not as intelligent as we would like to think they are.

or

b) our friends are just as emotionally fucked as the people they are dating.

because who you date is a direct reflection of who you are, what you find attractive, what you find acceptable, what you're willing to put up with, and what you are willing to be subjected to. maybe its you that I'm talking about. maybe you are the moron who continually makes excuses for your boyfriend or your girlfriend. maybe it's you that perpetuates the cycle and continues to let shitheads go unchallenged. maybe it's you that secretly knows that this person isn't worth your love.

you continually chase after that one night that he kissed you goodnight under the streetlights so hard it made you float back into your room to write a journal post about how amazing and perfect he was. but he'll never kiss you like that again. and despite all attempts of reliving that night, he will perpetually disappoint. because that night, despite all good judgment, you idealized. you see these people as the end all, be all, of love.

we are simply smelly and flawed boys and girls. we refuse to see our faults and our flaws when most of us are smart enough to know that no one comes wrapped in a little yellow bow, and that none of us shit strawberry ice cream. so why do we continually fall for the same shitty boy and shitty girl? well, that butterfly feeling in your stomach is your worst enemy. that is the feeling that love makes when it is storming the castle wall of common sense. that's what it feels like when someones smile has gotten the best of you and conned you into thinking that he or she is everything that you have ever wanted. and that's where we go wrong. because that's when we believe that someone can complete us. true love is when we complete ourselves. anything less is giving in, trading down, and selling out.

true love is when we are mature enough to say no, no thank you, to someone who - despite how they glow under the moonlight - forgets to call the next day. to say no fuck you, to the little cute rebel boy who continues to string you along and break your heart. true love is knowing who not only genuinely deserves but is willing and excited to treat our love in the manner in which it deserves. true love is not giving time to shitty boys and shitty girls because we know we are better than that. true love is knowing the difference between someone completing us, and someone complimenting us. true love is someone who will not eclipse our glow, only enhance it.

I like this city now, cause you're in it

"There are so many beautiful women out there in the city, but sometimes you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh." - Mr. Big

The best I'll ever be?

I miss you. I miss being overwhelmed by you. I need rescue, I think I'm fading away. I keep thinking that you'll wake me up with a whisper in my ear. I keep hoping that you'll sneak in my room. So I wait and I wait, and I run old scenes through my tired head of the days we laid by the school and said forever. Was that the best I'll ever be? I miss you. I miss talking all night long with you, and I need this to find a way to your home. My love can you hear me? Have I been hoping loud enough, wishing hard enough? Can you see me when I'm asleep all alone?

-Sister Hazel

The moon is the only light we'll see

After walking through a rainstorm & being annoyed with the fact that I was completely soaked and waiting for the A-train in a humid subway station, I heard from down the platform the familiar chords to one of my all time favorite songs. I followed the music until a bohemian looking older man playing acoustic guitar and the harmonica came into view. He was playing "Stand By Me." It brought me back to the time in East Lansing with Ally, Ryan and Pat and the sing along in my jeep with all the windows down and Ally's feet on the dash as we drove back to Stef's house to partake in a night of underwear only dance parties to Cut/Copy on repeat. The summer air smelled as bittersweet as the lyrics we were singing along to. My lungs were filled with hope. Hope for friendships that would be able to withstand the distance I was planning on moving to pursue my dreams. All I really need in life are a few good people to stand by me and I think I'd be content. At a time where I feel I am standing alone, it felt good to hear that song again. It once again filled my heart with hope.

Franz Kafka

Sometimes others can say it for you.


"He who seeks does not find, but he who does not seek will be found."

"I have the true feeling of myself only when I am unbearably unhappy."

"My "fear" is my substance, and probably the best part of me."

"One advantage in keeping a diary is that you become aware with reassuring clarity of the changes which you constantly suffer."

"Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable."

Oh Jose!

Running in circles

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

"Half-five"

My roommate Maggie just came home & stormed in the door, "YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING REALLY FUCKING JEWISH? So I'm up in Washington Heights today getting some Kosher pizza with my Lab group, because everyone up there is basically Jewish because there's some Jewish law school, and I pay for my pizza and the little old Jewish man behind the counter goes to give me back my change and goes "half-five." I didn't think anything of it and shoved the change in my wallet. I didn't realize until I pulled it out of my wallet to pay for some cigarettes on my way home that he really gave me HALF of a five dollar bill."

When it rains on this side of town it touches everything

Letter to a friend

I didn't expect to find out YOU were in a coma this morning. Not the girl that has so much to live for. You're too young. Too beautiful. There are too many people who love you. It blows my mind how in a matter of seconds lives can change. Maybe you just needed a break from the hectic life you lead. I hope that's all it is, you just needed a little break. You're the strongest woman I know. You're the smartest person I know! I can't wait for you to wake up so I can laugh with you again & have someone to have nympho-convos with again & someone who understands my sense of humor when it comes to bad YouTube videos [ex. OLD GREG!] & help me with my awfullll francais & make our plans to take over NYC. Kieran needs you & I know you love him so much, I know you won't leave him. Wake up, we're all waiting, we'll be here - take your time. How ever long it takes, just get a little better every day, that's all you need to do. "You're beautiful, you're light, you're love." My thoughts and prayers are all for you.

We have the time to realize that we were wrong

I talked to one of the people who knows me best tonight, for the first time in about a year, we talked civilly. At a point in my life where I am feeling rather apathetic about most everything he reminded me of truly passionate woman I am. Even though we haven't been a part of each other's lives, he still knows me better than most anyone and he's right, I am passionate about every little thing I do. I read books most people wouldn't consider picking up because I love to learn. I believe that there are songs out there that can change your life. I am a dancer, and not just because I've taken dance classes my entire life, but because it aches in my bones every second of the day - and every second I'm not dancing it's what I want to be doing. I dance through life in every aspect of my being. I believe that I can make a difference in our World, no matter how insignificant anyone else might consider me to be, I know my voice can be heard in a crowd. I paint, draw, and create because I want to, not because I HAVE to. My goals and ambitions are the most important thing to me, and I won't let anything get in the way of me achieving them because hard work does pay off. I won't be distracted by negative people or allow anyone to tell me I don't deserve anything but the best out of life, because I know what I want and what I need.

Thank you for the reality check tonight.
You know who you are.

Heritage

Hillary, Maggie & I [THE roomies] go out on our roof to have a nightly cigarette-as usual-and engage in our USUAL commentary on the colors of the lights on Empire State building... and tonight they're Red, White & Green. Maggie asks, "So what - is Obama Italian or something?" Hillary and I laugh for about 5 minutes and then Maggie responds, "Well he's not full black, rightttt?"

I thought I had it all, but I gave it away

Everything is temporary.
Everything is temporary.
Everything is temporary.

Soup spoon

Watched an old sunday service that was online from Renaissance Unity while laying in bed this morning.
It felt good to meditate & start my day out the RIGHT way.
I've sort of lost that piece of myself since I moved here & I'm trying to find it again.
I need to find something consistent, and I'm not talking about a consistent place to party every Friday night.
I need something real, something I can love about myself again & I'm finding it :]

"If you can't find someone to walk with you, then walk alone for that period in time. It's loving what is. It's being realistic. It's about loving people exactly where they are and letting them be where they are and then when you're guided to say something and do something it'll have some meaning. Then you won't waste your energy in a whole bunch of "hoo-haa"-what'ever, because you think that somebody else is suppose to understand you." - Greg Barette

Fat kids love cake, and Wii bowling

"The Wii is like going to Burger King & trying to get a healthier meal... it's still fast food & the Wii is stilllll a video game! Go out and throw a damn ball around kids!" - Canadian Evan on the obesity of America

I want to feel everything when everything feels wrong with me

“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.” - Marianne Williamson


I grew up going to Church of Today with my Dad, listening to Marianne speak on Sundays. We weren't the most consistent "church" goers, but we went when we could & it always felt good being apart of the experience there. It wasn't like the Catholic church I went to until I was about 9. It was so welcoming, everyone was friendly, it was a relaxed atmosphere, you could even wear your jeans there and it was a place that everyone wanted to be. I looked forward to going on Sundays, sitting in a huge room packed with people who were so full of love, and ready to receive love... and the choir was BOMB [steven tyler even came & sang with them before!] , and everyone danced - you couldn't help but get out of your seat, they rocked the house! I never realized how lucky I was to be receiving spiritual guidance from such an influential woman, but I now realize that so many of the principles I base my relationships and spiritual journey on are things I learned back when I sat beside my Dad when it was a struggle to understand such "difficult" concepts, but really - they're concepts that are so basic and it's our own "fears & prejudices" that screw things up along the way. There's so much love I struggle to give and receive - simply out of fear. Fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of my own insecurities. But if it is our purpose to spread love on our journey, then why allow fear to defeat me? I know I need to be a better daughter, sister, family member, friend... and I really need to start being better to myself. If I start loving myself more, I know it will become more natural to just spread the love along the way.

Crawl Space

I have some talented friends :]
This is raddddddd.



imemine-media.com

Like a prostitute you pay to walk away

I'm such a mess.
I either talk too much to hide my social anxiety,
or I hold back from saying the things I probably should say.

I need a best friend these days, just someone to help keep me grounded.
I need someone who will talk with me about my goals & genuinely care where I'm heading in life.
Someone to lay in bed and watch my favorite old movies with.
Someone who doesn't mind being lame and staying in on the weekends & going to bed early or staying up late talking about our past - not because we feel the need to relive it, but because we want to share the stories that make us smile from the inside out.
I need something positive, and I just can't seem to find it.

The wait is over, the winter's here, we all need to find someone to keep us warm

Dinner table conversation:
Hillary: "I feel like if McCain wins the New School is going to have a day of silence"
Alyssa: "No, I just think everyone will go out drinking... well regardless everyone's just going to go out drinking. Everyone will go out drinking to celebrate Obama, and if McCain wins everyone is going to NEED to go out drinking."

Vote Democracy

The Empire State building is coordinating for tomorrow.
Red, White & Blue, yo!
Happy voting!
Regardless of the results, I am looking forward to change.

Sneakerhead vs. Rifiki's

Evan on Halloween
Best costume ever.
He makes custom kicks & decided to just fabricate a giant shoe.
Talent, yo!

Daddy's got a new .45

I just had the craziest flashback.
I'm listening to Sublime & "Santeria" came on & this is the exact moment it brought me back to...

Driving on New Years 2007 [?] from Danny K's to Aaron Cummings to make it there for the crazy countdown with our party people. If you live in the CTP, or even the surrounding area - you know that Mr. Cummings knows how to throw a party!
Alex was driving the wonderful silver grandpa 4 door Taurus.
Sam was in the back.
I was in the passanger seat - being a control freak with the music & of course put on this song.
We were all bundled up, blasting the heat because Michigan winters SUCK.
I was wearing my pink peacoat & I think Sam decided to not bring a coat and was wearing Alex's.
Unbeknown to Sam or Alex & I am hug fan of Sublime and in my inebreated state start going to town singing every word to this song leaving them laughing and dumb found that I know the song so well.

I miss Sam.
I even Miss Alex.
That was a wonderful New Years.



Story of our relationship.


Story of our friendship... the Scenekick always comes 1st!


Story of my life.

I'm dancing in the room as if I were in the woods with you

I've come to realize that I can't just give up on something that is a passion of mine. I've spent the majority of my life [83.3%] dancing. It's apart of me & I can't continue to ignore this innate desire inside of me. I met someone who dances for a living last night & they made me re-realize my dreams. I can't give up on them - not for anybody. They're dreams of mine and they are a realty. When you're as passionate about something as I am about dancing, you will be successful. I didn't spend 5 hours nearly everyday after school at the dance studio during high school instead of hanging out with my friends at football games, school dances, and parties. I had to be dedicated and committed to being apart of a bigger team and stay focused on my goal. I sacrificed a lot to dance, but for me they weren't "sacrifices" because I was loving what I was doing. The entire time I was struggling through my eating disorder one of my major motivating forces to get better and actually stay healthy for once was so I would be allowed to dance again, and be a strong dancer. To be honest, it was the biggest motivating force. No one realizes that, but when you're passionate about something and it's taken away from you - you will find the motivation to do what it takes to get it back. I had to make choices and I chose my love for dance over my love for my perfect body. I'd rather be a strong and passionate dancer than a stick skinny, weak, and sick one.

Well the moral of this story is. If you have a passion, embrace it. Don't let it get away from you, and if it does - get your ass out there and work to get it back.

I have some hard work to do. I mean some hard - hard training to get back in shape, but I really want to spread my love and passion the best way I know how, and that's by dancing again. I need to do this for myself. Just love me and let me go.


THIS is how it feels.