I JUST HAD A DIET SODA!

So sometimes I just crave fountain soda.
There's nothing like fountain diet coke, okay!
So I stopped at the McDonalds drive thru this morning on my way to class to get my fix.
Now its pretty interesting, because I don't really know how to "do drive thrus" because 1. I think they're lazy 2. I neverrrrrrr ever eat fast food.
So the select times I've attempted this maneuver, its always been humorous and awkward.
I never know how loud I should shout at the box thingy taking my order
Or how close my car should be to the window. I don't want to be uncomfortabley close and scratch my car, but people always look like idiots having to open there doors to hand the drive thru atendees their payment.
So I do pretty well with alll of this, this morning, and im feeling pretty confident. Then I pull up to the window ready to retrieve my long awaited diet coke from the fountainnnn... when the lady goes to hand me this hugggge smelly bag of food! Now this bag is so large it has handles. I don't even know what to say at first and just stare at the bag dangling over the gap between my car & the window and shake my head. She finally gets the point and at this point I mustered a "ummmmm I only wanted a diet coke!"
Do I really look like id be devouring a whole bag - big enough to feed an office of hungry police officers- of mcdonalds breakfast "food?" ummmm no!
The next time I get a craving for fountain pop - Ill stick to going to the gas station.

WE'VE GOT A JOB TO DO, & THIS IS IT!

I'm in such a nostalgic mood on my drive to class this morning;
Listening to Piebald & reminiscing about how amazing last July with my 2 best friends was.
Nothing could beat those long car rides with the windows down in my yellow Neon, singing along to our summer soundtrack, going to shows to see bands we'll forget the names of in years to come, and going to parties at houses I struggled to find my way to on those late warm nights.
I've concluded that the best concert I've ever been to, hands down, was Piebald, Limbeck, This Providence & The Format - for soooo many reasons, but that is a night that will forever be remembered as close to perfect!
I had my Jersey girl, my Cheeks, a stick on bra that made my boobs look great & a never ending supply of vodish that made me wanna dancedancedance! hah
I need more nights like that.
Bring them on Summer 2008!

You're tied together with a smile, but you're coming undone.

It's 2:20 am
I can't sleep, as usual.
There is SO much going on in my life right now.
I just want it to all go away.
I'm so angry inside.
Hurthurthurthurtttt!
I don't even know how to handle it all.
At least I'm not throwing up my lunches, right?
Maybe I should be throwing up my lunches...
Maybe things wouldn't hurt so much then?
Maybe things would feel a little more normal again.
Hmmmm... Maybe.
What if I don't graduate?
What if I get really sick again living at my Mom's & then can't go to NYC for school?
What if I am the disrespectful, mean, vindictive, horrible & lazy person my Dad tells me I am?
I really am, I really-really am.
He's an adult.
Therefor he must be right,
Right?
My friend from work called me at 1:00am and asked me to come out & party - I stayed home & worked on homework, because I want to graduate!
I was a goodgirl, for once.
I want to be a goodgirl.
I want to make someone proud.
I'm proud of myself, why isn't anyone else?
I sit alone and just cry myself to sleep, everynight.
I hate it.
I hate being alone.
I hate being in a room full of people, because that's when I feel the most alone.
I hate that no one understands how hard I really do try.
I hate that my Dad has changed SO much.
I hate how materialistic and blind he is.
I miss when he use to care about the simple things in life too.
I miss when buying things 2nd hand was cool to him.
I miss when we use to live in our shitty little house in Ferndale and he use to chase me around in the red beret and play "kissy monster"
I miss the little playroom I had in the back of the house, with the old wood floors and windows that wouldn't open because they were painted shut.
He let me paint the walls of the playroom with my hands and feet.
I dipped them in paint then put hand prints all over the walls,
And he held me so I could walk my feet all over the walls, so it looked like someone had been walking all over them.
He doesn't even play with my little brother like that
It makes me sad that Jake is missing out on the Daddy that I knew.
I feel like it's my fault, like I stole all the "fun guy" out of him.
Or maybe it's just been life that's stolen him away from all of us.
Who kicks their kid out over coming home late & messy bedrooms?
Not the Daddy that I knew, but I guess "things just weren't working out" for this new guy who took his place.

Everyone complains about the weather

I hope I graduate.
I can't wait to get out of this state.
I look forward to working hard achieving my REAL life goals
and spending the rest of my life in NYC and Europe.
I really wish I could just go home.
I miss my bed.
I miss my alone time.
I don't even know what home means anymore.

I GIVE THANKS FOR MY DREAMS

So many of you know that I use to go to Leadership Camp back in the day... up until 2 years ago :] (Yea - I was a little bit of a dork, but you love it!) & I found my binder from my last year there & I am in tears right now. I was such an exceptional person, I don't really know what happened! I really believe it turned up for a reason, and at the perfect time; to remind me of my goals and of what it is I am truly striving for in this life of mine. I am not such a lost soul, but extremely directed - sometimes I just need reminding. Here's the mission statement I wrote 3 years ago the last day of camp....

I will live my life in the light and love of a higher power. I will dedicate myself to pursuing a life of health, love and passion. I will respect myself, my body, my knowledge and my privelages. I will not ignore the minute details that beautify the World around me. I will show my appreciation for life by sharing my passions, blessings and zest for life with those around me; because I want them to know that they have touched my heart.

I'm back :]