I spoke with a friend of mine who was diagnosed with fibro too, she gave me some really inspiring advice. I feel hopeful, but she says I need to be patient with myself - and that is very difficult for me, because I always expect greatness, and most days "greatnss" consists of getting out of bed and brushing my hair and actually making it to classes. She's rather spiritual, and she helped me realize that this is just a time to "learn," and a reminder to be silent and slow down and "work on my heart." I've always tried to avoid feeling pain, physical or emotional, I've always had a way to numb it - with my eating disorder, or a busy schedule, or being medicated... but with physical pain like this, I can't avoid it. It's a reminder that I have to feel, I can not numb this. She said something that keeps repeating in my head, cause it is exactly how I feel "It's like a loose rat finding new parts of my body to torture." It makes me acknowledge all the things that are both physically and emotionally painful... and the physical pain makes everything emotional seem so much more painful as well. It's such a trap. I feel trapped. There are knots inside of me, dozens, hundreds, thousands, both big and small, knotted so tightly around each other, and I feel like my fingers are just fumbling numbly to undo the mess, but they're so tangled, and my fingers are so tired and are always the wrong size for the knot they are working on, and I need patience, and I need to focus on one knot at a time, and then maybe it will free up the opportunity to undo another knot, but maybe it won't, and maybe if I work too aggressively I'll just create another mess of knots and pain that'll bury the rest of them deeper... - kind of like a tangle of necklaces in a jewelry box. That is how my insides feel.
-Ali
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