We will be running

This dance gives me the chills & makes me cry every damn time!
If you know anyone who has fought breast cancer, I think you will understand.



I miss my dance studio so much - keep spreading your light & love girls, you're all so beautiful. I hope you realize the power of what you do. Stay healthy & take care of your bodies, you need to be healthy to be a strong dancer. It can all be taken away from you so quickly. Trust me.

I can't resist the day

Canadian transform into Bacon - GO!

"I love restaurant-bars with neon lights.... but I never know if I should eat or dance" - Evan on our walk home from the Met

Starting my Christmas list early...

THINGS I NEED:
Someone to laugh with me
Someone to slow dance with me
A new good book to read
A big bathtub to relax in & read that new good book in
Someone who will play with my hair when my heads in their lap
To loose 10 lbs.
Get my hair cut & colored
Someone to play Skipbo with me
Someone who will do the grueling NYC apartment hunting with me & let me put my hands in their pockets when they get cold
To get my shoulder piece started
A room all to myself, and to have my "best bed in the world" moved up from Michigan
Someone who will stay home on a Friday night & play old video games with me.... & not let me win
Someone to make me love cuddling again.



I think that's all for now,
I'm a simple girl?

What's your Dad like?

You choose your friends, they're not like your family

"I was thinking how proud I was that I haven't drank all week - then I realized it was only Monday!" - my roommate Maggie.

Tomorrow is the perfect day

My talent is erasing people, but I can't get you off my mind.

You shouldn't let someone else get your kicks for you

Someone told me they wanted to "be like me" today.
That thought is terrrrrifying and almost insulting, not flattering like many would assume it to be.

Our society is so fogged with improving ourselves to mimic false idols.
We should be all striving to be better versions of ourselves - not attempting to fit someone else's mold.
"Being like someone" is an impossible goal that will only leave someone feeling more self loathing because of their obvious inability to "be" like anyone.... but themselves!
I just wish some people could learn to love themselves enough to know it's okay to be whomever the crazy individual they are.
You can't teach people these lessons either, they have to learn them for themselves and develop love for themselves in their own time - and I hattte that! I wish I could just make everyone see how uniquely beautiful they are.
Granted... I have my self loathing days [sometimes weeks/months] BUT I've learned to value more important things about myself than my looks & I've learned that I can only be as brilliant & beautiful as I allow myself.

As Marianne Williamson says, "Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? "

Satan's Insect

Best video, ever.
Mad love for Mr. Gross! ha ha

FIESTA

My roommate and I decided we'd make some tacos for dinner. Maggie was having a hard time holding her taco and adding all the "fixings" at the same time. In her frustration she says, "We really need to invent those taco plates.... or what about taco feeders?" I reply, "Or we can just hire a Mexican to feed us our tacos."


While enjoying our tacos I bring up the fact that Maggie's ex is Mexican. I ask, "Is Eric's family REALLY Mexican?" She laughs and says, "His Dad is. If you Google "Mexican" a picture of him comes up."

All Hallows Eve

Pinocchio, bitches!

Birthday Fever

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PARTY WITH ME!
ha ha ha
Sorry I killed you Danny :X

While you were sleeping, I figured out everything

I tell everyone I haaaaate to cuddle,
but the secret is: I miss being held.
I'm just scared of being seen as "needy."

Experiment

What if...
I drop out of school & join a commune out in the middle of no where?

It frequently crosses my mind.
frequently!

Value

I am more confused now than ever.
Supposedly I'm "living my dream"
but it doesn't feel like anything.


I can't help but give into my loneliness
Everything I thought I knew feels so distant
Everything new feels so permanent


I need a place to call my own
even just a hand to hold.
I just want to be held...
apathetic arms and all.

Belief

I'm not sure who the author of this is, but I swear I could have written this.



I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care back.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do
but to the best you can do.

I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important.
It's what they do about it.

I've learned that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that you can keep going
long after you think you can't.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing
and have the best time.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. |
It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to
can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again.
Families aren't biological.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight,
I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.

I've learned that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual
ahead of their actions.

I've learned that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children,
they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.
I've learned that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.

I've learned that no matter how many friends you have,
if you are their pillar you will feel lonely and lost
at the times you need them most.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.

I've learned that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.

I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that although the word "love" can have many different meaning,
it loses value when overly used.

I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line |
between being nice and not hurting people's feelings
and standing up for what you believe.

Luke warm

My best friend is leaving to go back to Detroit tomorrow.
I've already cried.

Back to being Miss Lonely.

I promise myself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness & prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of other as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the great achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.
To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.


- Christian D. Larson's "Optimist's Creed"

I saw

And it's amazing
With the look in your eyes
Like you could save me
But you won't even try
And then you tell me again
How everything will be alright

And if I told you
That I'm sorry
Would you tell me that you were wrong
Or would you hold me down forever
If I came to you for answers

[Matt Nathanson - "I saw"]

New York I love you, but you're bringing me down

God is teaching me a mean lesson.
"You can't always get what you want."


But what happened to the Law of Attraction???
I can make it happen - I can, I can, I can!

Potential

I love you Dave Melillo.

Wait for it
Wait for nights that compliment you
Ignore the girls that just resent you
It’s easier to pretend you don’t care at all
Now wait for it
Wait for boys that overwhelm you
And tell them that you’re not that type of girl
And you would rather sit and talk about your goals

You give me black lungs
And your blue eyes
And we'll trade them in for a new disguise
Give me your best bet
And your worst lie
And we'll fill them in with a straighter line
You could be everything I wanted
If you just gave up on holding back
'Cause I never lost so many words
From kissing just one girl
You’ve got potential

Wait for it
Wait for nights that decimate you
Wake up and then pray for saving
Hope has never seemed so far away from you
Now wait for it
Wait for years to pass you by
You’re looking back at all the times
You wish you hadn’t compromised at all

Well I tried to make you see
That you lost reality somewhere
I tried

Hands on my mouth

It's been weeks, months, years now
but I still remember the scent your mouth left on my cheek

I worry about never finding a bed as comfortable
or a room that holds my secrets as well, as yours did

I'm okay with that.

An empty nest

You're as loyal as your faith lets you be.

Make Your Mark

Day Lilies, 08/07/2007

Dear Daewoo,
Why are your shoes so blue?
Like distasteful umbrellas in the standby cocktails.
Votre petite sips from petit straws,
mimicking honey birds suckling nectar from organic blossoms
Delivering painful tips to the tender for nursing your bliss.
Is it true that your shoes were once black?
But have faded in travel from bleaching rays?
I do say I would fancy a whispered story…or two.
My ears eager to hear of nights sipping chamomile
from foreign china, aloft the aging backs of Indian elephants
or of Princes rescuing Princesses from tigers' luring purrs.
I would fancy it, dear old Daewoo.
I told you so,
BLB 1544

Moonshine, 9/11/2008

Dear Daewoo,
I miss your faded blue shoes
sitting by my door at the end of the night
Spilling stories of your exotic travels to my poor excuse of a doormat
It's been three weeks since you've been gone
I miss your casual hand on my thigh
as we sat at the dive throwing whiskey down our dry throats
You pursued me on the walk home that dewy night
comme un lion chassant sa proie
I should've danced away, shoes in hand
but it's the dizzy way the light from wrought iron street lamps penetrated your opal eyes that kept me stumbling after you
Oh my Daewoo, my greatest earthly blessing
Follow the map back home
I told you so,
BLB 1544

You're an extraordinary sensory apparatus

We all have our own personal agendas motivating us to do something great. Everyone is looking for something that's going to inspire them, everyone wants to be inspired, and everyone wants to inspire something. The world is yours, do something extraordinary.

Nietzsche

"And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh."

Secrets

Reminder

Don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself... know what you want.



I am legitimately happy, I feel so fulfilled.
I need to share this feeling.
I know what I want, I know what I need.


A friend asked me the other day what the most important thing in a relationship was to me. I've been thinking about this for days now. [if you know me, you know how I am.] A lot of things are important to me. Passion, a spiritual connection, respect, but really-really... I think it's laughter I'm looking for. I think I could spend forever with someone who makes me laugh. Relationships are work, there's going to be times when things aren't happy & easy, but I think if you can keep that other person laughing, keep them feeling good about who they are, that things could work. I feel content knowing this, I know what I want. There's a sense of calm in my life.

I prayed last night for the first time in awhile...

“Dear God,
May every aspect of my being
be converted to Truth.
May every cell fall into place
and serve a higher plan.
I no longer wish to be
who I was.
I wish to be more."


I am feeling so damn good!
:]

Dance with me

This is an excerpt from the book "The Dance: Moving to the Rhythms of Your True Self" by. Oriah Mountain Dreamer
I highly recommend it. This made me cry, hard core. [I'm so lame!]
Now this is some LOVE!


I have sent you my invitation, the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living. Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!" Just stand up quietly and dance with me.

Show me how you follow your deepest desires, spiralling down into the ache within the ache. And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.

Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart. Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.

Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living. And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.

Don't tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day. Show me you can risk being completely at peace, truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment, and again in the next and the next and the next. . .


I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring. Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall, the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will. What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?

And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.

Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart. And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.

Show me how you take care of business without letting business determine who you are. When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul's desires have too high a price, let us remind each other that it is never about the money.

Show me how you offer to your people and the world the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember, and I will show you how I struggle not to change the world, but to love it.

Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude, knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging. Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither against me at the end of the day.

And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest intentions has died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being, not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.

Don't say, "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me.

Somewhere the night sky hangs like a blanket

Yesterday Alyssa and I went up to Coney to grab a quick bite, as we usually do on a typical weekday night. As we pull in we see Jim Gross sitting on the curb playing an acoustic guitar, and some dirty looking kid laying on the hood of his car next to him. We get out of my car, after we finish jamming to Whiskeytown, and say "Hi." I probably haven't spoken more than 2 words to Jim since the days of party at Ryan Brisse's first apartment over at Lakeside Village, before I knew what was good for me. I then notice this hothothot low rider Harley in a parking space next to us and start ooooogling over it, and talking about how the next motor vehicle I buy will be a motorcycle similar to this. The dirty kid on the hood of the car, perks up and says, "wanna go for a ride?" I scoff and laugh at him and say, "uh huh, suuuuuuure!" because I highly doubt this is hisssss ride. He gets rather offensive and proceeds to pull the keys to said motorcycle out of his pocket and says, "lets go!" I set down my purse with Alyssa and Jim on the side of the curb and hop on the back of this hothothot motorcycle with my shorts & high-heels on. He took me for a short ride & honestly, there's no better way to enjoy summertime than feeling the wind hit your face and being completely exposed to the elements. He smelled like a mixture of whiskey and earth. It's sort of how a guy who drives a motorcycle should smell. I liked it. Moral of the story, I reallyyyyyyyyy need a motorcycle - or just a boyfriend who drives a hothothot motorcycle, asap.

In your reflection, I'm perfect.

I've come to realize the no matter how empty and lonely I feel,
no matter how self loathing I become, when I give up loving myself,
and feel as if there's not a single soul on this planet that could love a mess like me,
that He will always be there embracing me with his grace and blessings.
He has never given up on me.

My life has been paved with such golden moments.
I spend so much time dwelling on the "hardtimes;" and all the battles I've had to overcome
that I forget to give thanks for the truly smooth sailing course I have charted along the way.
Without my vices, my battles, my downfalls - I would have just floated through the past few years, and been a very shallow girl.
Instead I am full of a much deeper substance, a deeper understanding of self, my place in the Global Community, and my duty to create change and teach the power of love.

Life is delicate, but the longest thing we will ever experience.
I hear the clock ticking, like a perpetual time bomb waiting to put an end to it all
so I fight a little bit harder to leave if only a watermark of my existance upon the lives of those I've encountered.
I'm fighting to be "Better Every Day."
It is a fight, still, but a fight I am battling to the grave for.

Convince me to please you

I am soooo in love with this dance.



I miss dance, more than I could even put into words.
Maybe one day I can show you how much I've missed it
with a dance all of my own.
It's coming soon, I feel it.

To an Absent Lover

by. Helen Hunt Jackson


That so much change should come when thou dost go,
Is mystery that I cannot ravel quite.
The very house seems dark as when the light
Of lamps goes out. Each wonted thing doth grow
So altered, that I wander to and fro
Bewildered by the most familiar sight,
And feel like one who rouses in the night
From dream of ecstasy, and cannot know
At first if he be sleeping or awake.
My foolish heart so foolish for thy sake
Hath grown, dear one!
Teach me to be more wise.
I blush for all my foolishness doth lack;
I fear to seem a coward in thine eyes.
Teach me, dear one,—but first thou must come back!






You loved me,
for a hot second.
I almost believed you,
for a hot second.
You're gone now,
and I have nothing to show.
The same side of my bed is empty.

Unlock the door, lets talk it out

How did you know
that was my new favourite song.
You can't have it
it's MINE.

People come into your life because you allow them to,
because you want them so much that you will them into existence
almost as if making a wish and having it granted.
OR because you've put so much negative energy into trying to keep them away that
in fact, you never allow them to leave.
Give up on me, I'm not going anywhere, I've already seen it all.



Let me go.

I LOVED you, to the space junk & back.

I can sit on porches into the late hours of night, that begin to blur with mornings,
and forget how much you've taken from me.
I can put it in the past, because that's where it belongs.
Maybe it's a mixture of the cheap booze and crisp night breeze
the same breeze that once slipped between the space our bodies created as you held me close
as we said our goodbyes that never wanted to end
on my porch steps so many summers ago.
Maybe it's just my fondness for nostalgia that brings you to mind.
I wish you could stop sitting on porches talking about how much I've hurt you
and remember those summer nights we shared.

There are people out there to make you feel bad, but don't you listen!

I feel:
defeated
violated
anxious
awake
proud
fortunate
happy
happy
happy!

Just to sum it up,
I'm getting better everyday.

My therapist, whom I haven't seen in a few months, sent me a package in the mail a few days ago. It was a beautiful card & a gorgeous gold butterfly necklace, because the butterfly is a symbol of change and the national symbol of recovery from an eating disorder. Needless to say I cried when I opened this. This necklace means more coming from her than anyone else. I'm so proud of myself & how far I've come. I know the road is still a long & unpredictable one, but I am not the insecure little girl I use to be. I am more content with who I am and the woman I am becoming than ever before. Regardless of the day to day struggles that frustrate me, when it comes down to it - I am the luckiest girl I know, and I thank God for blessing my life everyday.

I JUST HAD A DIET SODA!

So sometimes I just crave fountain soda.
There's nothing like fountain diet coke, okay!
So I stopped at the McDonalds drive thru this morning on my way to class to get my fix.
Now its pretty interesting, because I don't really know how to "do drive thrus" because 1. I think they're lazy 2. I neverrrrrrr ever eat fast food.
So the select times I've attempted this maneuver, its always been humorous and awkward.
I never know how loud I should shout at the box thingy taking my order
Or how close my car should be to the window. I don't want to be uncomfortabley close and scratch my car, but people always look like idiots having to open there doors to hand the drive thru atendees their payment.
So I do pretty well with alll of this, this morning, and im feeling pretty confident. Then I pull up to the window ready to retrieve my long awaited diet coke from the fountainnnn... when the lady goes to hand me this hugggge smelly bag of food! Now this bag is so large it has handles. I don't even know what to say at first and just stare at the bag dangling over the gap between my car & the window and shake my head. She finally gets the point and at this point I mustered a "ummmmm I only wanted a diet coke!"
Do I really look like id be devouring a whole bag - big enough to feed an office of hungry police officers- of mcdonalds breakfast "food?" ummmm no!
The next time I get a craving for fountain pop - Ill stick to going to the gas station.

WE'VE GOT A JOB TO DO, & THIS IS IT!

I'm in such a nostalgic mood on my drive to class this morning;
Listening to Piebald & reminiscing about how amazing last July with my 2 best friends was.
Nothing could beat those long car rides with the windows down in my yellow Neon, singing along to our summer soundtrack, going to shows to see bands we'll forget the names of in years to come, and going to parties at houses I struggled to find my way to on those late warm nights.
I've concluded that the best concert I've ever been to, hands down, was Piebald, Limbeck, This Providence & The Format - for soooo many reasons, but that is a night that will forever be remembered as close to perfect!
I had my Jersey girl, my Cheeks, a stick on bra that made my boobs look great & a never ending supply of vodish that made me wanna dancedancedance! hah
I need more nights like that.
Bring them on Summer 2008!

You're tied together with a smile, but you're coming undone.

It's 2:20 am
I can't sleep, as usual.
There is SO much going on in my life right now.
I just want it to all go away.
I'm so angry inside.
Hurthurthurthurtttt!
I don't even know how to handle it all.
At least I'm not throwing up my lunches, right?
Maybe I should be throwing up my lunches...
Maybe things wouldn't hurt so much then?
Maybe things would feel a little more normal again.
Hmmmm... Maybe.
What if I don't graduate?
What if I get really sick again living at my Mom's & then can't go to NYC for school?
What if I am the disrespectful, mean, vindictive, horrible & lazy person my Dad tells me I am?
I really am, I really-really am.
He's an adult.
Therefor he must be right,
Right?
My friend from work called me at 1:00am and asked me to come out & party - I stayed home & worked on homework, because I want to graduate!
I was a goodgirl, for once.
I want to be a goodgirl.
I want to make someone proud.
I'm proud of myself, why isn't anyone else?
I sit alone and just cry myself to sleep, everynight.
I hate it.
I hate being alone.
I hate being in a room full of people, because that's when I feel the most alone.
I hate that no one understands how hard I really do try.
I hate that my Dad has changed SO much.
I hate how materialistic and blind he is.
I miss when he use to care about the simple things in life too.
I miss when buying things 2nd hand was cool to him.
I miss when we use to live in our shitty little house in Ferndale and he use to chase me around in the red beret and play "kissy monster"
I miss the little playroom I had in the back of the house, with the old wood floors and windows that wouldn't open because they were painted shut.
He let me paint the walls of the playroom with my hands and feet.
I dipped them in paint then put hand prints all over the walls,
And he held me so I could walk my feet all over the walls, so it looked like someone had been walking all over them.
He doesn't even play with my little brother like that
It makes me sad that Jake is missing out on the Daddy that I knew.
I feel like it's my fault, like I stole all the "fun guy" out of him.
Or maybe it's just been life that's stolen him away from all of us.
Who kicks their kid out over coming home late & messy bedrooms?
Not the Daddy that I knew, but I guess "things just weren't working out" for this new guy who took his place.

Everyone complains about the weather

I hope I graduate.
I can't wait to get out of this state.
I look forward to working hard achieving my REAL life goals
and spending the rest of my life in NYC and Europe.
I really wish I could just go home.
I miss my bed.
I miss my alone time.
I don't even know what home means anymore.