You're tied together with a smile, but you're coming undone.

It's 2:20 am
I can't sleep, as usual.
There is SO much going on in my life right now.
I just want it to all go away.
I'm so angry inside.
Hurthurthurthurtttt!
I don't even know how to handle it all.
At least I'm not throwing up my lunches, right?
Maybe I should be throwing up my lunches...
Maybe things wouldn't hurt so much then?
Maybe things would feel a little more normal again.
Hmmmm... Maybe.
What if I don't graduate?
What if I get really sick again living at my Mom's & then can't go to NYC for school?
What if I am the disrespectful, mean, vindictive, horrible & lazy person my Dad tells me I am?
I really am, I really-really am.
He's an adult.
Therefor he must be right,
Right?
My friend from work called me at 1:00am and asked me to come out & party - I stayed home & worked on homework, because I want to graduate!
I was a goodgirl, for once.
I want to be a goodgirl.
I want to make someone proud.
I'm proud of myself, why isn't anyone else?
I sit alone and just cry myself to sleep, everynight.
I hate it.
I hate being alone.
I hate being in a room full of people, because that's when I feel the most alone.
I hate that no one understands how hard I really do try.
I hate that my Dad has changed SO much.
I hate how materialistic and blind he is.
I miss when he use to care about the simple things in life too.
I miss when buying things 2nd hand was cool to him.
I miss when we use to live in our shitty little house in Ferndale and he use to chase me around in the red beret and play "kissy monster"
I miss the little playroom I had in the back of the house, with the old wood floors and windows that wouldn't open because they were painted shut.
He let me paint the walls of the playroom with my hands and feet.
I dipped them in paint then put hand prints all over the walls,
And he held me so I could walk my feet all over the walls, so it looked like someone had been walking all over them.
He doesn't even play with my little brother like that
It makes me sad that Jake is missing out on the Daddy that I knew.
I feel like it's my fault, like I stole all the "fun guy" out of him.
Or maybe it's just been life that's stolen him away from all of us.
Who kicks their kid out over coming home late & messy bedrooms?
Not the Daddy that I knew, but I guess "things just weren't working out" for this new guy who took his place.