I am so happy I found peace.
I am so happy I realized I deserved better.
I am so happy I got out of Michigan.
2007, was a BAD year.
'Photographs Don't Lie'
(found on a harddrive from 2007)
He adored her
He doted over her creative imperfections
Always accepting
and challenging her distorted perception of reality
Her actions were even more unclear than her unorganized thoughts
She spoke before thinking
Speaking the truth regardless of how offensive she may be
She lived by one big contradictive policy
Like she was pressing down on the fast-forward button
Skipping over the “unimportant” parts
But still, she was the only one on the opposite side of the lens
The one that he spent years trying to keep in focus
She was always sliding in and out of frame
pretending to not notice his struggle to keep up with her impulsive pace
He took snapshots of her best and worst features
each one individually
Telling a story all their own
He took it as his responsibility
trying to convince her of the beauty he worshiped
How could she not see it?
The audience…
they loved her!
Her eyes seemed to reflect the fury of the storm brewing in the gray clouds
and he cleaned up the mess left behind
after the flood gates had been released
Attempting to capture the sympathy of his strong arms
She wanted more than the awkwardness of these situations
Paralyzed by the memories of arms that weren’t as genuine
A distant touch that always seemed to haunt her in the most painful way
She intentionally tried to appear unintentionally needy of compassion
Smearing her vibrant palate of lipstick on the collar of the faces and the places she tried to call home
She was only trying to define the things she would soon suppress to the darkest holes of her consciousness
She wanted to take it all in
and let it slowly seep back out
Conserving the air that would sustain the handful of years she had left in her
Holding her breath in fear of disturbing his peaceful sleep
She wanted to give him everything
Her intentions were true this time
She was scared that everything she had had to give
wasn’t much of anything at all.
He questioned her judgment
Lost sleep over her flirtatious behavior
If her provocatively girlish smile did as much for the other hungry bastards
He knew he was in trouble.
“God damn those bastards!” she silently screamed into the pillow beside him
“ God damn those bastards with their untrue intentions! ”
God damn those bastards with the untrue intentions who always built up the walls he struggled to destroy
Those bastards never loved her
or even appreciated her
She wasn’t just some body they thought they could abuse
Using for their own goodtime
Always bringing over her favorite wine
in the dark cobalt bottle
With a name they couldn’t pronounce
She sipped on glass after glass
It was the only way she could even tolerate their ignorance
She could never have enough
She was celebrating the pain of their touch
As their hands became more friendly
burning every precious inch of her innocent body
Their dirty hands mutilating her flawless skin
It was like acid and every unwelcomed touch scared her deeper
than even her sharpest razor could have cut
Those bastards never caught the moments that defined her elegance
showcasing the compassion she was too afraid to see in herself
These were the moments he fell in love with her again, and again
Despite the demons that sometimes got the best of her
Even years later he couldn’t forget those stormy eyes
and the way they darted about the world she used as her personal canvas
He’d leave parties to recklessly hunt through the libraries of albums he hid in the basement of his subconscious for that one photo
that would nurse all the wounds that never healed
Reminding him how far they had come
and even how much easier it was to loose her
The snapshots he preserved in his personal archives
illustrated the person that he gave up everything for
The person he always wanted her love like he did
In those photos her authentic,
uninhibited innocence was captured
In the candid laughter that still echoed in his not so distant memories
In his photographs her true colors were synthesized
despite the black and white of her scripted persona.
She tried so hard to appear aloof
and untouchable
to even him
But he touched her
and only because she let him
She tried pretending she didn't notice
or even appreciate the prudence that was in his delicately strong hands
Secretly and anxiously she anticipated the next time his welcomed hands would penetrate beneath the layers of her clothes
Muting the burning left behind
With every organic blink
he captured her beauty and rawness in a way he would remember
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