Afraid, not scared

It's sick, it's selfish, it's pathetic & it makes no sense... but, I miss my old body more than anything.
No matter how healthy I get & how normal I get I can't get IT out of my head.
I don't act on the urges any more, which I'm proud of, but I'm never happy - and I'm rather miserable
I hate this body I'm in right now.
This isn't me & I don't even know how to deal with myself.
I'm going to the gym right now, and it's 2am because if I don't I'm just going to lay awake looking at old pictures being depressed and I'd rather be productive.
I'm pathetic.
Dear God, please give me the strength.